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Chiropractor
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How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but it will take him 7 visits to do it. |
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How many cowboys does it take to change a light bulb?
two - one to change it and another to sing about how they'll miss the old one. |
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How many drummers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
One, all he has to do is hold it in place and the world revolves around him. |
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How many Fireflies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but how they got in there is up to you. |
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How many flies?
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How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but you have to wonder how they got in there. |
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How many jugglers?
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How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. |
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How many potheads?
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How many potheads does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to hold the bulb against the socket, and the other to smoke up until the room starts spinning. |
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How many rednecks?
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How many rednecks does it need to change a lightbulb?
Screw that, we'll just drink in the dark! |
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Lightbulb joke collection 01
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Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.
Note: None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb and the hallway lamp is still out.)
Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a New York hotel who was a terrible person to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation. She was so nasty to her employees that she was known as the "Queen of Mean".)
Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
Note: Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 02
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Q: How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.
Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they *like* it in the dark.
Q: How many alt.vampyres readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None! Yecch! We LOVE the dark, stupid!
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.
Q: How many one-armed people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt.
Q: How many [members of your favorite group] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, but they have to be *really tiny*.
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three. (Notes: think height!) |
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Lightbulb joke collection 03
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Q: How many Jo Brands does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, you give it to a bloody man to do, cos it's a piece of cake, isn't it? Well, no, actually, that expression is crap isn't it, because if you had a piece of cake, you'd bloody well eat it, wouldn't you?
Q: How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes twelve steps.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
A: One, if you aim well. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 04
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Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they ?
Q: How many hunters does it take to screw a lightbulb into a left-handed socket?
A: There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they could screw right they would not be hunters.
Q: How many hunt sabs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off the carpet and the chair he was standing on.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 05
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Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Will somebody please call house-keeping?
Q: How many house-keeping staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You know I only get paid $5 an hour to do this, and I don't know why I always have to do everybody else's work anyway.
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Why don't you just let us take out the socket ? You aren't using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but it takes nine visits. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 06
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Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she is familiar with.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the problem to the previous question.
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since statisticians are not normal.
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.
Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with the yuppies. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 07
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Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred; one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren't chosen.
Q: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar.
Q: How many computer studies students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are far too busy hacking.
Q: How many maths students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is.
Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s... |
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Lightbulb joke collection 08
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Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.
Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.
Q: How many heavy metal fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to say "Excelleeeeeent !"
Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Q: How many crusties does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about to put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start arguing that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is and so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down the shops to buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licences on the way, they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into his long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined on the way back by crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but they do at least *sound* familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until someone remembers what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who is just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, the lightbulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so the dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a Levellers gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on something that makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last unsmashed lightbulb in its mouth. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 09
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Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic.
Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2 starts to do the changing, and the 2 "Mystery Chefs" to interrupt and tell us he's doing it all wrong.
Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "We're not changing any lightbulbs at the moment."
Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one, but I liked it better without the lightbulb."
Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 10
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Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you convince them that the lightbulb is not functioning per the spec.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder....
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hmmm... I ran a simulation and got 0.9999999997 pentium designers...
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Note: This refers to the bug recently found in the Pentium. Under circumstances during division the floating point unit loses one bit at the end, thus reducing the accuracy. Intel has known about this bug for a few months but didn't admit to it until users found out about it and made it public. Now they downplay the severity of the bug by saying that it reduces the accuracy only very little and that it occurs only very rarely. In one statement they said that `only theoretical mathematicians' will ever notice it and that non-technical people will not suffer from it.) |
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Lightbulb joke collection 100
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Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.
Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb.
Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Less and less all the time.
Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates can't even spell "lightbulbe", eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept. of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 101
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Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent it, and the American people resent it.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon's all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the American Indians of today don't have enough silver, or gold, or even paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes, from the lighthouse to the White House.
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six-Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say "I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "They're BURNED-OUT, Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 102
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm". |
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Lightbulb joke collection 103
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Q: How many Artificial Intelligence (AI) people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At least 55: The problem space group (5) [One to define the goal state, One to define the operators, One to describe the universal problem solver, One to hack the production system, One to indicate about how it is a model of human lightbulb changing behaviour], The logical formalism group (16): [One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in first order logic, One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in second order logic, One to show the adequacy of FOL, One to show the inadequacy of FOL, One to show that lightbulb logic is non-monotonic, One to show that it isn't non-monotonic, One to show how non-monotonic logic is incorporated in FOL, One to determine the bindings for the variables, One to show the completeness of the solution, One to show the consistency of the solution, One to show that the two just above are incoherent, One to hack a theorem prover for lightbulb resolution, One to suggest a parallel theory of lightbulb logic theorem proving, One to show that the parallel theory isn't complete. ...ad infinitum (or absurdum, as you will). ... One to indicate how it is a description of human lightbulb changing behaviour, One to call the electrician], The robotics group (10): [One to build a vision system to recognize the dead bulb, One to build a vision system to locate a new bulb, One to figure out how to grasp the lightbulb without breaking it, One to figure out how to make a universal joint that will permit the hand to rotate 360+ degrees, One to figure out how to make the universal joint go the other way, One to figure out the arm solutions that will get the arm to the socket, One to organize the construction teams, One to hack the planning system, One to get Westinghouse to sponsor the research, One to indicate about how the robot mimics human motor behaviour in lightbulb changing], The knowledge engineering group (6): [One to study electricians' changing lightbulbs, One to arrange for the purchase of the lisp machines, One to assure the customer that this is a hard problem and that great accomplishments in theory will come from his support of this effort (The same one can arrange for the fleecing.), One to study related research, One to indicate about how it is a description of human lightbulb changing behaviour, One to call the lisp hackers], The Lisp hackers (13): [One to bring up the chaos net, One to adjust the microcode to properly reflect the group's political beliefs, One to fix the compiler, One to make incompatible changes to the primitives, One to provide the Coke, One to rehack the Lisp editor/debugger, One to rehack the window package, Another to fix the compiler, One to convert code to the non-upward compatible Lisp dialect, Another to rehack the window package properly, One to flame on BUG-LISPM, Another to fix the microcode, One to write the fifteen lines of code required to change the lightbulb], The Psychological group (5): [One to build an apparatus which will time lightbulb changing performance, One to gather and run subjects, One to mathematically model the behaviour, One to call the expert systems group, One to adjust the resulting system, so that it drops the right number of bulbs. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 104
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Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Please let us know!
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends; what color is the bulb?
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or not. That needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier! |
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Lightbulb joke collection 105
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Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual, and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to write the pseudocode, another to design the requisite peripherals, another three to code various sections of the main routine, another to sort out the memory conflicts, and Bill Gates to justify earning such swingeing fees...
Q: How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ....
A: 400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb - how we did it" magazine.
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 106
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Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least a dozen, but it's impossible to tell which one it is, because they're all pointing at each other going "That's me, over there !"
Q: How many Bill Gates' (runs Microsoft) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard.
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them. Bones to say "Its dead Jim", Uhura to send a distress signal, Sulu to listen to Chekov saying "Light bulbs vere really an old russian invention", Spock to be fascinated by the illogic inherent in the early demise of the light bulb, Scotty to do the work, and Kirk to get the girl.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah! What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we'll see how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 11
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Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: None: "We'll fix it in software."
Q: How long will it take?
A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 12
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Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the lightbulb.
Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 13
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Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
Q: How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 14
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Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.
Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the older, heavier ones.
Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six--one to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.
Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 15
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Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw it in and one to screw it up.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally finishes screwing it up.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, we contract out for things like that.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven--one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design change request form. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 16
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Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need changing.
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb!
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark]. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 17
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Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four--one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.
Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other skater on the knee.
Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who who wants to know?
Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just what exactly do you mean by that?
Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.
Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 18
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Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.
Q: How many Tory MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing service has been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.
Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.
Q: How many John Majors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago.
Q: How many Home Secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - they merely sack someone else for letting it go out. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 19
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Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign : 'Bulb defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world champion (15) is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party (17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing Lightbulbs (ACL). The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he will not play under FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light) championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26) playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence increases the longer you think. The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement has the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled from world chess for creating a disturbance.
Note: Refers to the way chess tournaments work and also very topical to a lot of recent chess politics. Credit William Hartston in YOU magazine. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 20
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Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too. Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break, they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the starfield appears, and the episode ends. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 21
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Q: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know *that*!
Note: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.
Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A: Because it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.
Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A: Because Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty.
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
A: One. It isn't too easy.
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: 10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to misread the manual.
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: Eno.
Q: How does an engineer change a lightbulb?
A: As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesn't !
Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are too "Short". |
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Lightbulb joke collection 22
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Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?
A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimetres off it first.
Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too! |
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Lightbulb joke collection 23
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Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Cancerians would worry themselves to death with the problem.
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while they're out.
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay ?
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn a piece.
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs - unless they're a legitimate business expense.
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 24
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Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you ? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Huh? The light's out?
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: What lightbulb?
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: They concern themselves with inner light.
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 25
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Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.
Q: How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1 to complain that the lightbulb isn't working, 5 to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it, 20 to form an expedition to the fabled Lightbulb Mines of Mythrill, 30 to throw a going-away party, 1 to ask Gandalf for directions, 1 to sell into slavery when the directions aren't stuck to, and they end up in entirely the wrong part of the country, and ready cash runs low, 5 get lost through natural wastage (bandits, murderers, monsters, etc,) 1 to be thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb hoarde, 1 to be thrown to the dragon to cover the retreat, 2 to carry the box of lightbulbs, 5 to find a large, sword-wielding barbarian to escort them home with the lightbulbs, another 30 to throw a safe-return party, 5 to get rid of the barbarian, who in typical style, got drunk at the party, 5 to find an Elf in the neighbourhood tall enough to change the lightbulb, one elf, and 5 to compose ballads of derring-do, heroism, sacrifice and lightbulbs. A grand total of 118.
Q: How many Contract Bridge players does it take to change a Light Bulb?
A: Five. One to change it; their partner to stare at them in complete confusion; one opposing player to ask the partner what they think the changer means by this; the other opponent to complain to the tournament director that there was a deliberate hesitation before the light bulb was changed; and the tournament director to agree and have the old bulb put back in.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Note: Topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
Q: How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They won't, because:
Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many.
Note: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, astronomers prefer the dark. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 26
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Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
Q: How many NASA technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The lightbulb costs three million dollars.
Q: How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.
Q: How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes eight million years.
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There's no evidence that the change is due to evolution. What use would a mutation that produced part of a filament be?
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Evolution can only produce different shapes of light bulbs; it can never change it into an animal.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, the new one and the old one. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 27
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Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Note: I thought this was something to do with the maths/logic theories of Kurt Goedel, about it being impossible to prove things, and finally a more complete explanation arrived in my mailbox : - A Goedel Number is one of several ways to encode a Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a computer, or for that matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I see it) is that if the machine knows its own Goedel Number it can simulate itself... It does come from the mathematician Goedel - partly because he used TMs in his famous theorem, I believe.)
Q: How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why bother?
Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.
Q: How many Trimarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Leave it out, it was only attracting mosquitos anyway.
Q: How many Caidans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Nobody knows. They can't figure out what to wear to change one. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 28
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Q: How many AnTir-folk does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but the new bulb had better be a halogen fog lamp!
Q: How many Atlantians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends, which household does it belong to?
Q: How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but they need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out.
Note: I presume a "Dune Coon" means a 3rd world peasant.)
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Note: "Supply-siders" were the force behind Reagan's early reforms, and their economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were more extreme). They believed that if they shifted the focus of government economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the business cycle would be stopped at an agreeable point and inflation would be permanently whipped. Obviously, it didn't quite work out that way.)
Q: How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.
Note: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. It's the home of the University of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal reputation.) |
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Lightbulb joke collection 29
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Q: How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.
Note: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and theorist who is very influential with literary critics at the moment. This relates to his theories.)
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any number, until one of them figures out to turn it off.
Q: How many deaf blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness...
Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.
Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part. |
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Lightbulb joke collection 30
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Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why does it *have* to be changed?
Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively modern invention.
Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.
Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they know how to do it.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to screw in the bulb and the other four to call out "Get Back!, Get Back!". |
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Lightbulb joke collection 31
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Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to screw in the bulb and the other nine for crowd control.
Q: How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing.
Q: How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.
Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.
Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, and she'll screw it in as soon as she decides it isn't going to hatch.
Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They're all far too busy crossing the road.
Q: How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes?
Q: How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just paint them black and go on using them. |
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Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted with light bulbs !
Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can't see.
Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three--One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "I'm the NRA" ad while doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, and a lot of light bulbs.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer. |
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Q: What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
Q: How many bailiffs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to stand around such that none of this gets caught on camera.
Q: How many Spinks handlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. 1 to actually screw in the light bulb, 1 to carry him out of the ring, 1 to tell him who put the lights out, 2 to count the money, and it all only takes 91 seconds!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection !"
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb... |
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Lightbulb joke collection 34
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.
Q: How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a day. To expect them to do any more would place an unnecessary strain upon them."
Q: How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured on the back page of the gutter press.)
Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.
Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: 15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other side's back four to all stand around and put their hands up.
Q: How many Americal college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! |
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Lightbulb joke collection 35
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Q: How many American footballers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.
Q: How many people at an American football match does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing.
Q: How many University of Washington Husky football fans (or any over-the-top sports fans who pay way way too much attention to minutia surrounding "their" team) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A million and one. One to hold the old bulb, and the rest to all try and make the world revolve around it.
Q: How many striking baseball players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. All those replacement bulbs are scabs!
Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo.
Q: How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it in.
Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.
Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 5. One to change it 4 to fake it. |
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