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Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins.
Ratings: 2.00 |
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Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins.
1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night -- Pot luck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this mourning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
7. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
8. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
9. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
10. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
11. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and list to our choir practice. |
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Adam And Eve And Mrs & Mrs Jones
Ratings: 0.00 |
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Each Sunday, Mr and Mrs Jones go to their local church for a service, but recently, Mr Jones has been falling alseep and snoring throughout. So, after one particularly embarrassing day, Mrs Jones went to see the vicar.
Mrs Jones: Vicar, can you help me? My husband keeps falling asleep during your services and it's really embarrassing.
Vicar: Okay, take this hat-pin and when I see him fall asleep, I'll nod to you and you stick it in his leg.
So Mrs Jones thanks him, wakes her husband in the pews and they go home.
Next Sunday, ten minutes into his sermon, the vicar spots Mr Jones alseep. So he says,
Vicar: And who is our Saviour?
And he nods purposefully at her. So Mrs Jones stick the pin in his leg and he wakes up and shouts,
Mr Jones: Jesus!
Vicar: Yes, Jesus is our Saviour.
Five minutes later, Mr Jones falls asleep again, so the vicar spots this and says to the congregation,
Vicar: And who is our Forgiver?
And again he nods purposefully at Mrs Jones who sticks the pin in her husband's leg, who shouts,
Mr Jones: God!
Vicar: Yes, God is our Forgiver.
So then, during his long service, the vicar begins to really get into what he's saying, so he starts to nod accidentally. Therefore, Mr Jones is getting poked in the leg for no reason. Right at the end of ther service, the vicar is really getting going and he says,
Vicar: And what did Eve say to Adam when she bore his 99th child?
And he accidentally nods, so Mrs Jones sticks the pin in her husband's leg and he says,
Mr Jones: If you stick that in me one more time, I'll turn it around and shove it up your arse!
Congregation: Amen! |
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Alabama Jokes
Ratings: 0.00 |
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Alabama Jokes
State Slogan: Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
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Alabama Dumb Laws
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Masks may not be worn in public.
Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
You may not drive barefooted.
It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
Incestous marriages are legal.
Anniston
You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
Jasper
It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
Lee County
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
Mobile
It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
Montgomery
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)
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An Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-20. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"
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Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Alabama State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
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Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
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Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Birmingham, Alabama burned down?
A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
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A new law recently passed in Alabama: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
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Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Alabama?
A: I-20 and I-10
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Two Alabamans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
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Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
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An Alabaman came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry on over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have them big red trucks?"
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Q: Why do folks in Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
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Are ya Chicken?
A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Alabama joke.
The bartender says, "Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I'm from Alabama. See that guy at the end of the bar? He's 6-4 and weighs 250 and he's from Alabama, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He's 6-6 and weighs 280 and he's from Alabama,too! Now, do you still want to tell your Alabama joke?"
The guy says, "Nah."
To which the bartender smiles and says, "What's the matter? Are ya chicken?"
The guy says, "Nah. I just don't want to have to explain it three times."
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Elevator
A country bumpkin family from Alabama decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.
While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.
The Alabama hick family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.
The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!
Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!!"
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Kindergarten
Billy Bob and his family moved from Alabama to Maine to so his Paw could find better work picking potatoes. The next day Billy Bob started his first day of kindergarten. When he got home he rushed to tell his Paw, "Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to ree-cite the alpherbet today en Ah wuz the onliest one that could!"
His Paw replied "That's cuz you's from Bama, son!"
The next day he came home and told his Paw "Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to count as high as we could en Ah counted the highest!"
His Paw replied, "That's cuz you's from Bama, son!"
The next day, he came home and told his Paw "Paw, Paw, today, when we wuz all in a line, Ah noticed Ah wuz the biggest of all! Ah bet that's cuz Ah'm from Bama, huh Paw?"
His Paw replied, "No son, that's cuz yer 17 years old."
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Rabid Dog
Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck and killing him instantly.
A reporter, who happens to be strolling nearby, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "That was the most incredible act of bravery I've ever seen!" the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: "Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!"
The little hero sees this and says, "But sir, I'm not a Bama Fan, I'm an Auburn Fan!"
The reporter looks warily at the boy for a moment, then flips the page and begins a new headline: "Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet"
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Question ans answer
Q. Where was OJ headed in the white Bronco
A. To Tuscaloosa...he knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there!
Q. What's the best road sign in Auburn?
A. Tuscaloosa - 120 miles
A man walks into a store says to the clerk, "I'd like a pair of red shoes, a white shirt, a pair of red pants, and a pair of white shoes." The clerk looks at him and shakes his head saying, "You must be an Alabama fan!" The man proclaims with pride, "How could you tell, was it the color scheme!" The clerk looks at him and says "No, this is a hardware store."
Q. What is the most common line used by an Auburn alum?
A. Would you like fries with that?
Q. Why did they build the Mercedes plant so close to the University of Alabama?
A. Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.
Q. Why is Auburn always in the dark?
A. Because they're afraid of Alabama Power.
Q. What do you call a genius at Alabama?
A. Visitor.
Q. Whats the difference between Alabama and cheerios?
A. One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
Q. What was the last thing David Housel said to Terry Bowden?
A. Don't let the door knob hit you in the head!
It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa. The University's response was "Why do we need another phone company?"
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Shug's House
After Bear Bryant dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bear a little two-bedroom house with a faded Alabama banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your house, coach," God says happily."Most people don't get their own houses up here."
Bear looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge, beautiful two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Auburn flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Auburn banner hangs between the marble columns.
"Thanks for the house, God," Bear says. "But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Shug gets a mansion with Auburn banners and AU flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment, then says, "Bear, that's not Shug's house. That's mine."
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Quarters!
An Auburn fan and an Alabama fan both go over to Tunica to do a little gambling. After a couple of hours the Alabama fan was broke. He looks over and sees the Auburn fan with a wheelbarrel full of quarters.
The Alabama fan walks over to him and says, "Wow, where did you win all that?"
To which the Auburn fan replies, "You see that machine on the wall over there? If you put a dollar in you get four quarters back every time!"
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Question and Answer
Q. Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
A. 3 dollars a year for a million years.
Q. What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
A. Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.
Q. Why do folks from Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A. Nobody admitted 17 and under.
Q. What do you get when you have 32 Alabamians in the same room?
A. A full set of teeth.
Q. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.
Q. A new law was passed in Alabama recently.
A. When a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.
Two Alabamians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens.
"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
The Alabamian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
"No," he replied.
A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
"No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
Q. Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
A. Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Q. How do you keep Freddie Kitchens from hitting you with a football?
A. Wear a Bama jersey!
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No Driver
Several years ago the city of Birmingham decided to lease several English style double decker buses to transport the Auburn and Alabama fans to the Iron bowl. On this bus, the Auburn fans were on the bottom level and the Alabama fans were on the top deck. as we started off to the stadium, all of the Auburn fans were making a lot of noise yelling "War Eagle" and having a good time. We noticed that the Alabama fans were quiet. Not a sound was coming from the upper deck.
I decided to go up top and see what was wrong. As I arrived up top , I noticed that all of the Alabama fans had their hands clasped on the rail in front of them and they all were white as a sheet. I was stunned. I asked them why they all were so frightened?
They replied with fear in their eyes, "WE DON'T HAVE A DRIVER."
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Question and Answer
Q. How do you keep Freddie Kitchens from hitting you with a football?
A. Wear a Bama jersey!
Q. How did the Alabama student die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q. Why do Alabama students have TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First!
Q. Did you hear about the Alabama quarterback who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage?
A. He missed!
Mom: Only 2 more minutes until 1998.
Dad: I'm going to bed.
Son: But Dad, you're going to miss the ball drop....
Dad: Hey Son, I've seen it plenty of times..I'm an Alabama fan you know!!
Q. What is the one thing that keeps so many Alabama football players from graduating?
A. CLASSWORK!
Q. Did you hear about the Alabama fan who froze to death?
A. He went to the drive in...He sat through "Closed for the season"!!
Q. How do you get an Auburn student off your porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza!
Two Auburn fans have been walking in the woods for eight hours when they stop and one turns to the other and says, "I'm cutting the next Christmas tree we find, lights or no lights."
Q. What's the difference between a University of Alabama sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
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Stupid Rednecks!
A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened.
Furious, he demanded to see the sales manager, and told him "When I buy a $50,000 car I expect the dang radio to work."
The sales manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear.
He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old Willie Nelson started singing. "Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. "Easy listening," he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator. He was relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and listening to smooth sounds.
Then a pickup truck with two good ole boys almost ran him off the road. "Stupid rednecks!" he screamed. The radio immediately blurted out, "TOUCHdooooooooown AllaBAAAAAAAmaaa!!!!"
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You're probably an Auburn fan if ...
... You can play the Auburn fight song using your armpit.
... Your wife's idea of cleaning house is throwing everything out into the yard.
... The Roto-Rooter man stops by your trailer and asks, "What's that smell?"
... You're a member of the Skoal Frequent Purchaser Program.
... You looked up your family tree and your uncle spit on you.
... You joined Alcoholics Anonymous so you can drink and use a different name.
... You looked out for #1 and stepped in #2 !!!
... You won't buy a Japanese car because you're afraid you won't understand what they say on the radio.
... Your kids go to a private school and they won't tell you where it is.
... Your Granny beats you in the tobacky spittin' contests.
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Length vs. Height
Two Auburn Engineering students were tasked to measure the height of a flag pole as a class assignment. They decided to measure the flag pole outside of Legion Field at the south end of the stadium. While attempting this task one student would hold the tape while the other climbed the flag pole with the other end of the tape. Much to their disappointment the student climbing the pole kept sliding down and could not get to the top.
An astute Alabama graduate was observing from a distance and suggested that the Auburn students disconnect the flag pole and measure the pole while on the ground.
The Auburn students enraged by the suggestion yelled out " We want to know how tall it is not how long it is you idiot"
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Question ans answer
Q. What is the difference between a litter of puppies and Alabama fans?
A. The puppies stop whining after 6 weeks.
Two Auburn fans are walking in the woods. One says, "Look! A dead bird."
The other one looks up into the sky and says, "Where?"
Q. Do you know the difference between an Auburn fan getting run over by a car and an Alabama fan?
A. There are skid marks in front of the Bama fan!!
Two innebriated Auburn fans are walking along a railroad track.
One says, "Darn! These stairs are killin' me!"
The other says, "It's ain't the stairs I can't stand, it's the low handrails!"
Q. What's a seven course meal at Auburn?
A. A possum and a six-pack.
Q. Do you know why Terry Bowden was fired?
A. He was too short to step down.
An Alabama offensive lineman who doesn't hold, a humble Florida Gator, and Santa Claus all checked into the same hotel. As they entered the elevator, they spotted a $50 bill on the floor. Who ended up with the money and why?
Answer: Santa Claus - the other two aren't real!
Q. What do they put on the bottoms of Coke bottles at Auburn?
A. Please open other end.
This year's Auburn team is so sorry they have to buy a house just to get a yard.
Q. How do you keep an Auburn football player out of your yard?
A. Put a goal post in it.
Q. How many Alabama fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Just one, but it takes a roomfull to sit around and talk about how the BEAR would have done it.
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Doughnut Seeds
An Alabama and an Auburn cheerleader where each late for breakfast at cheerleading camp so they had to eat cereal instead of a hot breakfast.
The Alabama cheerleader fixed her bowl of Cheerios and went to sit at a nearby table.
The Auburn cheerleader picked up the box and started to poor herself some, but suddenly stopped with a dumb look on her face.
The Alabama cheerleader asked her what was wrong, to which the Auburn cheerleader replied, "Nothing. I've just never seen doughnut seeds before!"
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Firing Squad
A Bama alum, a Tennesse alum and an Auburn alum have been captured by Iraqi forces and are about to be executed by firing squad.
First, the Bama alum is blindfolded and placed in front of the firing squad. The Iraqi officer said, "Ready, aim...."
The Bama alum yells "Sandstorm!" and all the Iraqis hit the dirt and the Bama alum runs away.
The Tennesse guy was placed in front of the firing squad. The officer said "Ready, aim.....";
The Tennesseean shouted " Tornado!!!!". All the Iraqis again hit the dirt while the Volunteer escaped.
The auburn guy thought this was great. When he was blindfolded, again the officer shouted "Ready, aim...."
The Aubie shouted "FIRE!"
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Can't Get Out!
An Alabama fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Auburn football players hitchiking. He told the Auburn players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake. The Alabama fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two Auburn football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic.
As the truck began sinking the Bama fan yelled for the Auburn players to get out truck, to which they replied, "We're tryin' to get out, but we can't get the dang tailgate open!"
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Brains
A football fan walks into a small shop in Birmingham. He spots a bottle labeled "New York Football Player Brains" , $5 an ounce. He asks the clerk if there are any other bottles.
The clerk replies, "Well, we've got Tennessee brains for $10 an ounce, and Alabama football brains for $1,000,000 an ounce."
The man says, "Why the big difference in price?"
The clerk answers,"Do you know how many Alabama football players we have to kill to get an ounce of brains!" |
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Alaska Jokes
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Alaska Jokes
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
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You Know You're In Alaska When...
. . .you know which leaves make good toilet paper.
. . .the mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
. . .there is only one shopping plaza in town.
. . .the municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
. . .the major parish fundraiser isn't bingo - its sausage making.
. . .you find -60c a might chilly.
. . .the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
. . .you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewels and your Sorrels.
. . .you can play road hockey on ice skates.
. . .shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
. . .you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
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You Know You're In Alaska When...
. . .when it warms up to -35 degrees(Fahrenheit) and you go out in your shirt sleeves to wash you car.
. . .when you drive for a mile on square tires on a -65 morning before they eventually become normal.
. . .when you have to put your sun visor down at 3:00 a.m.
. . .all of your relatives refer to you as that crazy person that lives up there.
. . .your kids think that you have to get on a airplane to go on vacation.
. . .freezing, 32 degrees(Fahrenheit), is warm enough to wash your car.
. . .you only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
. . .you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
. . .the mosquitoes have landing lights.
. . .you have more miles on you snowblower than your car.
. . .you have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
. . .you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
. . .driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
. . .you think sexy lingerie is fleece socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
. . .you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
. . .at least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
. . .the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
. . .your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
. . .you think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
. . .you frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
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You Know You're In Alaska When...
. . .you take off your shirt and your arms are as pale as your legs all the way to your wrists.
. . .you know that the term "Break Up" has more to do with the weather than personal relationships.
. . .your monthly phone bill is larger than your house payment.
. . .there is a bottle of Avon's Skin-So-Soft in your tackle box.
. . .you don't know anyone who doesn't own a 4-wheeler.
. . .you have ever taken a trip "outside" and tried to cash a traveler's check, drawn on an Alaskan bank, and the cashier asked you the current exchange rate in Alaska.
. . .you have ever washed your car while there was still snow on the ground.
. . .you have ever power washed your car by parking driver's side into the rain in the morning, and passenger side into the rain in the afternoon. (a Dutch Harbor thing)
. . .you have tennis elbow but have never played tennis, just snagged a lot of salmon.
. . .you know a honey bucket is really a bucket, but it's not really full of honey. (If you don't know, don't ask)
. . .you know that the Rat Net is not a rodent catching device.
. . .you know the Naknek twitch is an illegal fishing technique, not a spasmodic muscle in your neck.
. . .you travel for two days to get outside but none of your family members will travel more than two minutes to visit you.
. . .you learned to swim indoors.
. . .you leave your Christmas lights up, year round, because as soon as it gets warm enough to take them down it starts getting dark enough to put them up again.
. . .your bedroom windows are covered in aluminum foil.
. . .you had waffle soles put on your cowboy boots.
. . .your monthly veterinarian bill is more than your own medical bill.
. . .you know that a "handi-man-jack" is a device designed to lift a car to change a flat, not a guy named Jack that comes around your house on Saturdays to repair minor problems.
. . .you know a "white out" has to do with winter conditions not correcting fluid for typos.
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Living in Paradise
Jan. 10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!
Jan. 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.
Jan. 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night, and the temperature has dropped to around 11degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.
Jan. 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my butt in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Jan. 14 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter-panel. Had another 8 inches of the white stuff last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That darn snowplow came by twice today.
Jan. 15 -2 degrees outside. More blasted snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totaled.
Jan.16 Darn blasted white snow keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the mailbox. If I ever catch the jerk that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to open our driveway again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.
Jan.17 Six darn more inches of blasted snow and sleet and ice and God knows what other kind of white crap fell last night. I wounded the snowplow jerk with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. I haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -62 degrees. I'm moving back to Albuquerque.
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You Know You're In Alaska When...
. . .when you're outside at -40 below , shoveling snow in your shorts , well you know it's a hassle putting on all those cloths for just 10 minutes.
. . .when your friend calls you up and says "Hey, I have some furniture for sale. Is there enough room in your igloo for it?"
. . .you are vacationing in Hawaii when a beautiful woman in a bikini walks by and you think, "Boy, I'd sure like to see her in a snowmobile suit."
. . .you can see the road through the floorboard of your pickup truck.
. . .you have called an 800 number you found in a catalog and then were told "Alaska? Oh, we don't ship out of the United States." (Try saying "North Pole", most places usually laugh for a solid minute, or they just hang up thinking you're some kind of prankster.)
. . .you put up with the pain of a toothache until the Permanent Fund Dividend checks come out in October.
. . .you know going "outside" involves a whole lot more than opening a door and walking into the yard.
. . .you have ever worn a tie with waders.
. . .you have learned to never say to your kids, "Be home by dark."
. . .you know Bunny Boots aren't worn by bunnies or made out of bunnies.
. . .you know the meaning of the word "baleen" and it has nothing to do with making hay into large cubes.
. . .you think it's normal for a town to put all the businesses on one side of the road.
. . .there are only three seasons: winter, breakup, summer.
. . .your local golf course has "happy hour" between 1:00 and 2:00 am
. . .the seat in your outhouse is lined with styrofoam so your butt won't freeze to it when you have to sit down for a amount of time.
. . .when you have to set your alarm every three hours to go start you car and let it run for 20 min. so hopefully it will start in the morning so you can go to work.
. . .when you leave the water running in the sink so your pipes won't freeze and you can't sleep because all you can hear is the water running.
. . .Instead of plugging in your freezer you just move it to the front porch!
. . .You open your freezer to take out something for dinner, and are faced with many choices, Pink Salmon, Silver Salmon, Red Salmon, King Salmon, Smoked Salmon, or Halibut!
. . .You go to shop for a second vehicle and come home with a snowmobile!
. . .you're buying a house & you have to ask for water & electricity as an option.
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Alaska's More Important Laws
Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.
It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist.-Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.
It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. |
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Alberta Jokes
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Top 10 Reasons To Live in Alberta, Canada
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approximately 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it |
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Arizona Jokes
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Arizona Jokes
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
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Dumb Arizona Laws
Hunting camels is prohibited.
Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
Glendale
Cars may not be driven in reverse.
Globe
Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
Hayden
If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
Maricopa County
No more than six girls may live in any house.
Mesa
It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
Mohave County
A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
Nogales
An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
Prescott
No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.
Tucson
Women may not wear pants.
Tombstone
It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.
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Ode to Arizona
The Devil wanted a place on earth.
Sort of a summer home:
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Arizona.
A place both wretched and rough.
Here the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys were hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
and ordered no rain to fall:
He dried up the lakes in the valleys,
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over his barren desert
He transplanted shrubs from Hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear --
The climate suited them well.
Now, the home was much to his liking.
But animal life, he had none:
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake.
With its forked poisonous tongue:
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow its young.
Then he made Scorpions and Lizards
And the ugly old Horned Toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter.
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old Horned Toad looked ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom.
As any creator would:
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his wearthy brow.
So he took off his coat and vest.
"By Golly," he finally panted
"I did my job too well.
I'm going back where I came from
Arizona is hotter than Hell!"
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You know you're in Arizona when ...
*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
*You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
*You can make instant sun tea.
*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
*The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
*You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
*You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
*You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
*Hot water now comes out of both taps.
*It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
*You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
*You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
*No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
*Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
*You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. |
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Arkansas Jokes
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Arkansas Jokes
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
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Dumb Arkansas Laws
The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw"
A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.
Fayetteville
It is illegal to kill "any living creature".
Little Rock
Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.
Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.
It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.
No person shall sound the horn on a vechicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54 |
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Atlanta Jokes
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Atlanta Jokes
Some quick thoughts...
1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of Downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.
2. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..." and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House..."
3. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Battle or Peachtree Corners.
4. Atlanta is the home of Coca Cola. That抯 all we drink here, so don抰 ask for any other soft drink... unless it抯 made by Coca Cola.
5. Atlantan's only know their way to work and their way home.
6. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.
7. It抯 impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive" and has posted signs to that effect so that out-of-towners don抰 feel lost....they抮e just on a "scenic drive."
8. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday抯 rush hour starts Thursday morning and lasts through 2:00 a.m. Saturday.
9. Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody... especially those of us who live here.
10. "Sir" and "Ma抋m" are used by the person speaking to you if there抯 a remote possibility that you抮e at least 30 minutes older than they are.
11. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss". So is "Honey". "Honey" is always used by Waffle House waitresses.
12. Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their head to the right and stare at you. (The Atlanta pronunciation is "pont duh LEE-on")
13. The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules; so will daylight savings time, a girl applying eye shadow in the next car, or a flat tire three lanes over.
14. If you抮e standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you抮e expected to get on and go somewhere.
15. Atlanta is pronounced "LAN-uh".
16. Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta抯 version of Old Faithful erupts.
17. Construction crews aren抰 doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.
18. Atlanta抯 traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta抯 traffic is rated number 1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in lively discussions.
19. Atlantans are very proud of our race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name.
20. Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the AutoBahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus coming home from the college prep preschool. |
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A little boy asked his mother for a lot of money and was told he had to go pray and if he was a good boy, God might give it to him. So he prays, "God, I've been a very good boy and I would like... Well, I've been a good boy at least, and I would like you to... Well, I've been an okay boy, Lord, and I really want..." He realizes he hasn't been good at all, so he runs to the church, grabs a figure of the Virgin Mary, and goes back home. "God, I got your mother. If you want her back, you know what to do." |
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British Columbia Jokes
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Top 10 Reasons To Live in British Columbia, Canada
1.Weed
2.Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges
3.The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4.The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5.Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6.A university with a nude beach
7.You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8.If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9.There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10.Cannabis |
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California Jokes
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California Jokes
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
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Dumb California Laws
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
Bathhouses are against the law.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
Arcadia
Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
Alhambra
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
Baldwin Park
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
Belvedere
City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
Blythe
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
Burlingame
It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
Carmel
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
Chico
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
Downey
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
Hollywood
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
Lafayette
You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
Lodi
It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
Lompoc
It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
Long Beach
Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
Los Angeles
It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
You may not hunt moths under a street light.
It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
Toads may not be licked.
It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
Zoot suits are prohibited.
Ontario
Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
Pacific Grove
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
Palm Springs
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
Pasadena
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
Prunedale
Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
Redlands
Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
Riverside
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
San Diego
It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
San Francisco
Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
San Jose
It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
Santa Monica
You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
Temecula
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
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A short story...
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten teargas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
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Greater Los Angeles Area Driver's License Application
Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male
___formerly female ___both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: __________________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please indicate activities you perform while driving:
Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety magazine
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _____
Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
If none, please explain: _______________________________
What is the length of your daily commute?
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
TEST (Please indicate the correct answer):
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your
car on TV in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the cellular
phone company for your 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)
In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the event of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You're not sure what "rain" is
When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit
Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bulletproof
virtual window on your left.
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Californians
A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.
The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.
The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.
A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.
The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."
A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.
The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"
The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel." |
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Canadian Religion
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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing
for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him,
resting on
the
seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've
made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm
going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of
balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained,
pointing to
different parts of Earth, "For
example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity
and
wealth, >while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle
East
over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a
continent
of white people and over there is a continent of black
people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one
will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very
>>cold and
covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large
land mass
in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on
Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams
and an
exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be
modest,
intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found
traveling the
world.
They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving,
and they
will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers
of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed;
"What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth
>>bastards I'm
putting next to them...." |
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Chicago Jokes
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A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker said to reconsider and that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
The first asked, "What did you do there?"
To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."
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White Sox Jokes
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Sox fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Sox fans too. Not really knowing what a Sox fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. One girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Sox fan."
Then, asks the teacher, what are you?
"Why I'm proud to be a Chicago Cubs fan," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she is a Cubs fan.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Cubs fans, and I'm a Cubs fan too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says the girl, "I'd be a Sox fan."
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"It's hard to put your finger on it. You have to have a dullness of mind and spirit to play here. I went through pyschoanalysis and that helped me deal with my Cubness."--Jim Brosnan, former Cubs pitcher
"Noise pollution can't be that much of a problem. There's nothing to cheer about."--State rep. John F. Dunn, arguing for the installation of lights at Wrigley Field
"If I managed the Cubs, I'd be an alcoholic."--Whitey Herzog
"There's nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more hitting couldn't help."--Bill Buckner
"You get tired of looking at garbage in your own backyard."--Cubs manager Lee Elia in 1983 about why the Cubs got rid of so many players. Elia was fired later that same season.
"The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter."--Radio deejay
"The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep my season tickets."--Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman
"Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 4-0 in the 7th inning."--Radio deejay
"One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth."--Joe Garagiola
"The Chicago Cubs are like Rush Street--a lot of singles, but no action."--Garagiola again
Q: Did you hear about the new Cubs soup?
A: Two sips and then you choke.
"The latest diet is better than the Pritikin Diet. You eat only when the Cubs win."--pianist George Shearing
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Twenty major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:
1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.
6. Harry Caray was born....and died. Incredible, but true.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.
18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.
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A wicked Chicago man died and went to the place all wicked people go. The Devil decided to shove him in a room and cranked the heat and humidity up.
The man smiled. When the Evil One asked why the man was smiling he said: "Just like Chicago in Spring"
So the Most Evil One cranked up the heat and humidity more. The man removed his coat, smiled, and said:
"Just like Chicago in Summer"
This time the Destroyer of Beauty cranked the heat and humidity to maximum.
The man removed his shirt and tie and said
"Just like Chicago in August"
The Devil then got an idea. He shut off the heat and turned on the air conditioning. The room froze in seconds. Ice was everywhere. Polar bears hid in dens because it was so cold. Satan, confident he had finally won, peaked in the man's room only to find the man cheering and partying frantically....
"The Cubs won the World Series...The Cubs won the World Series..."
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Going to Chicago
There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago. She boards the plane and sits in the first class area. The flight attendant approaches her and says "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area."
The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago."
The flight attendant leaves and explains the situation to the head flight attendant. A few minutes later, the head flight attendant approaches her and says "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area."
The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago."
The flight attendants look at each other in amazement and decide to get assistance from the captain. A few minutes later, the head flight attendant approaches her and says "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area."
The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago."
The captain shakes his head, then bends down and whispers in the blonde's ear. A moment later, she gets up from her seat suddenly, grabs her luggage, and rushes over to the coach area.
One of the flight attendants asks the captain, "What on Earth did you say to her?"
The captain explains, "I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago." |
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Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China?
A: You never leave home. |
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Colorado Jokes
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Colorado Jokes
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
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Dumb Colorado Laws
Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed)
It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
Colorado Springs
It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
Crippe Creek
It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
Denver
The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.
It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.
You may not drive a black car on Sundays.
Durango
It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.
Logan County
It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
Pueblo
It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.
Sterling
Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight. |
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Connecticut Jokes
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Connecticut Jokes
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
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Dumb Connecticut Laws
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce. It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays. The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed) It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway. No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.
Devon
It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
Guilford
Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.
Hartford
You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands. You may not educate dogs. It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
New Britain
It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.
Southington
Silly string is banned.
Waterbury
It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.
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A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you." |
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Delaware Jokes
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Delaware Jokes
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
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Dumb Delaware Laws
It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.
Lewes
It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist.
Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment. |
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England Jokes
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Q: What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
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Q. Why has Kevin keegan banned his players from owning dogs?
A. Because they can't hang onto a lead.
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The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you". His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries. Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him the England football team. |
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Florida Jokes
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Florida Jokes
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
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Dumb Florida Laws
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
It is considered an offense to shower naked.
You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.
Big Pine Key
It is illegal to molest a Key deer. If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail.
Cape Coral
It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline.
It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. This law is limited to only those who do not own the house. (Repealed 2000)
Daytona Beach
The molestation of trash cans is banned.
Sec. 10-56. While intoxicated, under influence of narcotics, prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired. (Code 1955, ?28-64)
Sec. 22-44. Storage, depositing prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person, either as owner, occupant, lessee, agent, tenant, or otherwise, to store or deposit, or cause or permit to be stored or deposited, any abandoned, junked or discarded motor vehicle or motor vehicles upon any public or private property within the city. (Code 1955, ?20-11)
Sec. 18-2. Weeds, trash, etc., as a public nuisance; removal by property owner or by city at owner's expense; notice and hearing; lien for expenses. (a) The existence of weeds, trash, undergrowth, brush, filth, garbage or other refuse on any lot, tract or parcel of land within the city which has caused the property to become, or which may reasonably cause the property to become infested, or inhabited by rodents, vermin or wild animals, or may furnish a breeding place for mosquitoes or threatens the public health, safety or welfare, or may reasonably cause disease or adversely affects and impairs the economic welfare of the adjacent property, is declared to constitute a public nuisance and is hereby prohibited.
Hialeah
Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor.
Jupiter Inlet Colony Inlet
Sec. 3-1. Bird sanctuary declared. (a) It is hereby declared that all territory embraced within the corporate limits of the municipality shall be a bird sanctuary. (b) It shall be unlawful for any person within the municipality to shoot, trap or in any manner kill, wound or maim any bird of any kind, or at any time to throw at any birds of any kind any missile with slingshots or any other weapon, or to disturb their eggs or their young or their nests. (Ord. No. 8-59, Ё 1, 2, 8-10-59)
Key West
Chickens are considered a 'protected species'.
Miami
It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Sec. 8-3. Bell or other warning device. No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle. (Code 1967, ?8-3; Code 1980, ?8-3)
Pensacola
Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person.
It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel.
A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.
Pinecrest
In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained. Sec. 12-23. Registration required; application; transferability; false statements. (a)All persons must complete and submit to the village an emergency contact registration form for their alarm if they operate or cause to be operated an alarm system in the village. A separate registration is required for each alarm system. Upon receipt of a completed registration form, the police department shall issue a numbered alarm sticker to the applicant to facilitate retrieval of registration information. (Ord. No. 97-17, ?1, 10-14-97)
Sanford
Stage nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine.
Sarasota
If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00.
You may not catch crabs.
Tampa Bay
It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.
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Did you hear that they have removed Al Gore's name from consideration for the University of Alabama Head Coaching job? He can't win in Tennessee, either!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.
Al Gore's Biography: "Bad Timing: A Presidential Obsession"
Gore, Nader, and Bush went on a boat trip. During their trip, the boat began to sink. As there were three of them, and only one life vest, they decided to vote on who would get it. They passed a hat around, then counted the ballots. Bush got one vote. Nader got one vote. Gore got seven votes.
"What's the difference between Al Gore and a puppy? After three weeks, a puppy opens its eyes and stops whining."
"Why hasn't Bush commented on the rulings? He said he didn't think the judges were ready because he saw them in their robes this morning."
"What's the difference between Al Gore's inauguration and George W's? For Al Gore's they need 400 balloons; for Dubya's, they would need 400 balloons and a clown."
"According to the latest polls, 60 per cent of americans want Al Gore to concede the election. The other 40 per cent are lawyers working for Al Gore."
"You've got George W. Bush's intelligence pitted against Al Gore's honesty. This looks like a case for the small-claims court."
"President Clinton said the Florida votes should be recounted or America will be embarrassed in front of the whole world. Yes, that's right. The President went on to say, "Remember, embarrassing America in front of the world is my job."
"George W. Bush is very excited about becoming President. In fact he called his dad to get the address of the White House."
Florida State Mottos
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax...Retire...ReVote.
FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts...and counts...and counts...
FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.
Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: This isn't good when Alabama counts faster than us!
FLORIDA: Once is never enough!
FLORIDA: We would do a recount but we've run out of fingers and toes!
FLORIDA: Don't blame me, I voted for Gore, I think.
FLORIDA: Don't blame me, my vote didn't count.
FLORIDA: We're retired --no wait-- we're retarded!
FLORIDA: Don't count on us!
FLORIDA: Home of the edible chad.
FLORIDA: Bumbling better than ever!
Defining terms
C - Can
H - Help
A - All
D - Democrats |
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France Jokes
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France Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
A: He was declared to be in Seine.
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Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Calais the capital of France." "Fred," said his father, "why do you want Calais to be the capital of France?" "Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!"
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What is the Guillotine?
A French chopping centre.
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Which ghost was president of France?
Charles de Ghoul.
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First witch: I'm going to France tomorrow.
Second witch: Are you going by broom?
First witch: No, by hoovercraft. |
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Georgia Jokes
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Georgia Jokes
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
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Georgia Jokes
Q: Why does a Georgia Bulldog place his diploma on the dashboard?
A: So he can park in a handicapped zone!
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Dumb Georgia Laws
It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.
You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.
Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.
Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.
Signs are required to be written in English.
No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.
Acworth
All citizens must own a rake.
Atlanta
Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
One man may not be on another man's back.
Columbus
Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday.
It is illegal to carry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday.
Gainesville
Chicken must be eaten with the hands.
Jonesboro
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy"
Kennesaw
Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind.
Marietta
Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.
St. Mary's
No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.
Quitman
It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
Cars are not to drive on sidewalks. |
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German Jokes
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Q: How does a German eat mussels
A: *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* ... AUFMACHEN !!!
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Q: What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?
A: A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
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Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.
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After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be -- Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris.
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Belgium's national motto:
Belgium: Gateway to France!
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Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
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Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian?
A: Only the first one can make you smile.
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Q: Why was the Dresden bombing a mistake ?
A: The RAF made a (H)ASH of it!
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Q: How many people fron Dresden can you fit in a mini ?
A: About 25000 if you've got a shovel
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Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.
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Q: Have you heard about the new German microwave ?
A: It's got ten seats inside.
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Q: Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans?
A: They give them gas.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
A: A Beaner-Schnitzel
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"Two Martinis, bitte."
"Dry?"
"Nein, I said TWO!"
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Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?
So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gestapo
Gestapo who?
Ve Vill ask ze Questions! |
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Hawaii Jokes
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Hawaii Jokes
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
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The Road to Hawaii
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.
A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they emperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
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A short story...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of ablaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
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You Know Someone Is From Hawaii If...
They have a separate circuit breaker for their rice cooker.
Only NOW they know that cilantro is the same as Chinese parsley.
They measure the water for the rice by the knuckle of their index finger.
They know which market sells poi on which days.
They know that Char Sung Hut is closed on Tuesday.
They can handle shoyu with green mango, li hing mui gummy bears, raw egg on hot rice, and pearl tea (carnation milk in hot water with sugar) with creme crackers.
Their refrigerator has half-empty jar of mango chutney from the '95 Punahou Carnival.
The condiments at the table are shoyu, ketchup, chili peppah watah, and kimchee. Also, takuwan, Hawaiian salt, slice onion, and pickle onion.
They go to Maui and their luggage home includes potato chips, manju, cream puffs, and guri guri for omiyage.
They think the four food groups are starch (rice), Spam, fried food, and fruit punch.
A balanced meal has three starches: rice, macaroni, and bread.
They know 101 ways to fix their rubber slippers -- 50 using tape, 50 using glue, and one using a stick to poke the strap back in.
They sometimes use their open car door for a dressing room.
They wear two different color slippers together and they don't mind.
Nice clothes means a T-shirt without puka.
They are barefoot in most of their elementary school pictures.
They have a slipper tan.
Their only suit is a bathing suit.
They drive barefoot.
They have at least five Hawaiian bracelets.
They never ever, under any circumstances, wear socks with slippers, or an aloha shirt that matches their wife's muumuu.
They still call the Blaisedell Center the HIC and it's Sandy's, not Sandy Beach.
They say "I going go for lawnmower da grass" when they mean "I'm going to mow the lawn."
They can understand every word Bu Lai'a says and they know what his name means.
They have a sister, cousin, auntie, or mom named "Honey Girl" or.....
Someone in the family named Boy, Tita, Bruddah, Sonny, Bachan, Taitai, Popo, or Vovo.
They still chant "Hanaokolele" when a friend or co-worker goofs up.
They say "Shtraight," "Shtreet," and "Shtress."
They say "Da Kine" and the other person says "Da Kine" and they both know what is "Da Kine."
The "Shaka" and the "Stink Eye" are worth a thousand words.
They're shopping at Epcot Center at Disneyworld and they may say something to their sister and a complete stranger says, "You're from Hawai'i, aren't you?"
They feel guilty leaving a get-together without helping clean up.
The idea of taking something from a heiau is unthinkable.
They call everyone older than themselves "Aunty" or "Uncle" and they kiss everyone in greeting and farewell.
They let other cars ahead of them on the freeway and they give shaka to everyone who lets them in. (And get mad if someone they let in doesn't say thanks.)
Their philosophy is "Bumbai."
They would rather drag out the compressor and fill that leaking tire every single morning than have it fixed.
The only time they honk their horn is once a year during the safety check.
If a child needs a home, they give him one. She/He becomes "Hanai."
They can live and let live with a smile in their heart.
Their male best friend's name is either Wade, Max, Nathan, or Melvin.
Owns two types of slippers: da "good slippas" and da "buss-up/stay home slippas."
Does not understand the concept of North, South, East, and West, but instead gives directions as Mauka, Makai, Diamond Head, Ewa, and uses landmarks instead of street names.
The first thing they look for in the Sunday paper is the Long's ad.
They take off their slippahs before going into the house.
You ask what year they grad and where they grad from, and then you say "eh you know so and so..."
When it's done, they say "pau!"
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Dumb Hawaii Laws
All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.
Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.
Honolulu
Within the limits of any public park, it is unlawful to annoy any bird. (SEC. 10-1.2) |
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Idaho Jokes
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
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Dumb Idaho Laws
Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
You may not fish on a camel's back.
Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.
Boise
Residents may not fish from a giraffe's back.
Pocatello
A law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited to public view."
A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face. |
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Illinois Jokes
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Illinois Jokes
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
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Dumb Illinois Laws
You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.
You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.
You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
The English language is not to be spoken.
Chicago
Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
Kites may not be flown within the city limits.
Spitting is forbidden
In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.
It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.
It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.
Champaign
One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.
Cicero
Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.
Crete
Cars may not be driven through the town.
Des Plaines
Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.
Eureka
A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.
Evanston
Bowling is forbidden.
It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.
It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.
Fairfield
It is unlawful for "negroes" to be within county boundries from sundown to sunrise.
Freeport
It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.
Galesburg
There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.
Homer
It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.
Joliet
Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.
Kenilworth
A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow. Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.
Kirkland
Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kriland's streets.
Moline
Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.
There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.
Morton Grove
You may not own a handgun
Normal
It is against the law to make faces at dogs.
Orland Prak
No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.
Ottawa
Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.
Park Ridge
Trucks may only park inside closed garages.
Peoria
Basketball hoops may not be instaled on a driveway.
Zion
It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals. |
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Indiana Jokes
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Indiana Jokes
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
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Dumb Indiana Laws
Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.
A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)
A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.
It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.
It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
Liquor stores may not sell milk.
Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.
You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.
One man may not back into a parking spot becasue it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.
Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.
Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.
Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.
No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.
Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.
You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.
Drinks on the house are illegal.
Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.
You are required to pour your drink into a glass.
"Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal.
State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.
All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.
Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.
Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.
If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.
Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.
A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.
The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed)
Auburn
It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offesnses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.
Beech Grove
It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.
Elkhart
It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.
Evansville
While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.
Fort Wayne
You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It`s In the Book".
Gary
Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.
South Bend
It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.
Terre Haute
No one may spit on the sidewalk. |
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Iowa Jokes
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
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Iowa: Just east of Omaha
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Iowa: It's easy to spell
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Dumb Iowa Laws
Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.
One-armed piano players must perform for free.
A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.
It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.
Dubuque
Any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building.
Indianola
The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned.
Fort Madison
The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.
Marshalltown
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants
Ottumwa
Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know. |
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The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem."
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The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do something world-famous." A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build, build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."
With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and worked 6 months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected in the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it."
The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a new one??? That is amazing!!" To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because there were all these Italians fishing off it."
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Japanese Banking Crisis
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
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Made in Japan
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.
On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.
The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!" |
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Jesus and Moses
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Jesus and Moses are sitting up in Heaven. Jesus turns to Moses and asks, "Do you think we still have it after all these years?"
Moses smiles, stands up, raises his hands and the seas part. He smirks with satisfaction and sits down.
Jesus gets up and begins to walk out onto the water, and falls in. He gets up and tries it again, and falls in. Soaked, he tries one more time, and falls in.
Flustered, he sits down. Moses looks at him and the water. After a few moments, a lightbulb goes off in his head, "I know why you keep falling in!" he says.
"Why?" asks Jesus.
"This first time you walked avross water you didn't have holes in your feet!" |
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Jesus and Satan were arguing...
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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused.
They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves." |
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Kansas Jokes
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Kansas Jokes
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
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A short story...
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
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Dumb Kansas Laws
Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.
Dodge City
It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk.
All places of business must provide a horse water troft
Lawrence
All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival.
No one may wear a bee in their hat.
Russell
Musical car horns are banned
Salina
It is against the law to leave your car running unattended.
Topeka
The installation of bathtubs is prohibited.
Wichita
Before proceeding through the interesection of Douglas and Broadway, a motorist is required to get out of their vehice and fire three shot gun rounds into the air.
Any person caught using or carrying bean snappers or the like shall upon conviction, be fined. -City ordinance 349 of Wichita, Kansas. |
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Kentucky Jokes
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Kentucky Jokes
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
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STATE OF KENTUCKY RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
__ Total number of vehicles you own
__ Number of vehicles that still crank
__ Number of vehicles in front yard
__ Number of vehicles in back yard
__ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
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Dumb Kentucky Laws
Any person who appears on any highway, or upon the street of any city that has no police protection, when clothed only in ordinary bathing garb, shall be fined no less than five dollars nor more than twenty-five dollars." - KRS 436.140 (Passed in 1922; Repealed in 1974)
No person shall sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange, display or possess living baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored; nor dye or color any baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits; nor sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange or to give away baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits, under two months of age in any quantity less than six, except that any rabbit weighing three pounds or more may be sold at an age of six weeks. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than $100 nor more than $500. -KRS 436.600 (Passed 1966 Ky. Acts ch. 215, sec. 5.)
No person owning or controlling a billiard or pool table shall permit, for compensation or reward, any minor under eighteen (18) years of age to play any game on the table, unless such minor shall have first displayed an identification card containing his name, age, photograph, and the signature of his parents or guardian. The minor shall keep such identification card on his person, and it shall be subject to inspection at any time by any peace officer. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall keep and maintain a registration book in which each minor shall sign. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall supply a blank identification card to each parent or guardian who makes request for same. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than ten ($10) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100) for each offense. -KRS 436.320 (Passed 1893; Amended in 1954, Ky. Acts ch. 232, sec. 1)
Any person who displays, handles or uses any kind of reptile in connection withany religious service or gathering shall be fined not less than fifty dollars ($50) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100). -KRS 437.060 (Passed 1942, from Ky. Stat. sec. 1267a-1.).
It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky.
It's illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License.
All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the
apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease. -KRS 252.130 (Passed in 1922; Repealed in 1948)
Lexington
It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
Owensboro
A woman may not buy a hat without her husband's permission. |
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Louisiana Jokes
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Louisiana Jokes
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
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River Cruise
A Louisiana man walks into a travel agancy in response to an ad about free river cruises. As the man described why he was there to the lady behind the desk, the woman hit a button, two men spring up behind the guy, beat him up, take his wallet , stuff him into a sack, and throw him out back into the river.
A few moments later another Louisiana man walks in and also begins to speak when the woman hits the same button. The two men spring out, beat him up, stuff him in a sack, steal his wallet, and throw him out back into the river.
A few miles down river the two men catch up to one another and the first man says, "I wonder if they serve dinner on this cruise?"
The second replies,"They didn't last year."
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Louisiana DWI
A young man was pulled over by the Louisiana state police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for son? You going to a fahr?. Let me see your license, boy."
The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of his car was full of large knives.
The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"
The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."
The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"
The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.
Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bob was drinking it up with Homer T. Ratcliff. He soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. Suddenly Billy Bob spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Homer T. Ratcliff. When Homer got on the phone Billy Bob said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on 442. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!!"
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Apartment for Rent
An Alabama man was looking for a place to live, but wasn't having much success. Finally he came upon a farm house, figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked the farmer if he had a room for rent.
The farmer said the only place he had left was the outhouse and that he was welcome to rent it.
The man was grateful and moved in right away.
The next day the farmer saw 2 T.V. antennas on top of the outhouse and was bewildered, so he knocked on the door to ask about the extra antenna.
The man said, "Well, I sublet the basement to a guy from Louisiana."
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Dumb Louisiana Laws
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
It is illegal to gargle in public places.
New Orleans
You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.
It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it. |
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Maine Jokes
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
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Maine: For Sale
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Maine: You can spit on Canada from here
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You Know You're in Maine:
If you own more than four pair of gloves.
If every other vehicle is a 4X4.
If camping is allowed it's only in steel sided campers.
If, when the sun goes down, you start looking for your coat.
If in March your vehicle is 43% mud.
If you leave your keys in your car and the next morning your car is still there.
If you're on the shoulder of the highway with your hood up and somebody stops to help you.
If you can pay for six big macs with a personal check.
If drive by shootings only occur on the evening news.
If your central heating system is fueled by large logs.
If you see numerous chauffeur-driven dogs.
If you can see the stars at night.
If people drive 100 miles to shop in a real mall.
If a deer throws itself under your wheels.
If you got a set of new snow tires for Valentines day.
If more than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is moose.
If the term "chill factor" is part of your daily vocabulary.
If the bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.
If you only paid $5 to cut down your own douglas fir christmas tree.
If you enjoy a hot chocolate more than you do a margarita.
If a girls basketball game fill's the school gym.
If you put the car heater on your list of best friends.
If you pawned a snow blower instead of a set of golf clubs.
If dressing up means wearing a tie with your flannel shirt.
If you think you're in a traffic jam when you're in the second car at the light.
If you don't use your blinker because everyone already knows where you're going.
If your long john's don't come off until mid-May
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Ten Dollahs
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."
and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go."
Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!
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Maine Winters
Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.
After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."
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The Teethbrush
Research had been going on for many years in regard to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study, the researchers came to their conclusion about the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Maine.
Intrigued by the discovery, the media asked the researchers how they came to this conclusion.
The researchers all agreed that it was simple deduction: "If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
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Maine Temperature Conversion Chart
60 above zero
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat....
People in Maine plant gardens.
50 above zero
Californians shiver uncontrollably.......
People in Maine sunbathe.
40 above
Italian cars won't start.....
People in Maine drive with the windows down.
32 above
Distilled water freezes.....
Moosehead Lak's water gets thicker (for non-Mainers, this is a lake in Maine)
20 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.....
People in Maine throw on a sweatshirt.
15 above
New York landlords finally turn up the heat....
People in Maine have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
zero degrees
People in Miami cease to exist....
Mainers lick the flagpole.
-20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico....
People in Maine get out their winter coats.
-40 below
Hollywood disintergrates.....
The girl scouts in Maine begin selling cookies door to door.
-60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica
Maine's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
-80 below
Mt. St. Helen's freezes...
People in Maine to ice skating or skiing.
-100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.....
Maine-iacs get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-297 below
Microbial life survives on dairy products....
Cows in Maine complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 below
ALL atomic motion stops.....
People in Maine start saying..."Cold 'nuff for ya?"
-500 below
Hell freezes over......
The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl!
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Computer Terms for Aroostook County (Northern Maine)
1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk - What you get from downloading too much firewood
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt - What the US mail ain't in the winter
9. Window - What to shut when its cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte - What the black flies do
12. Bit - What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season
14. Chip - Munchies for TV
15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat chips
16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway
17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you nod off
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks at McDonalds
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerio box
22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine sweepstakes
24. Web - What a spider makes
25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling
26. Cursor - Someone who swears
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen on the camp
29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods
30. Upgrade - Steep hill
31. Server - waitress
32. Mail Server - male waitress. Darn few in Maine
33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it
35 User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing your stuff
6. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry patch
37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair
39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network
40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week
41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground - better luck next week
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Buying Houses
I have a friend in Maine who lives out in the country in a house he and his wife built. One day he was talking to his nephew and the following conversation ensued.
"Uncle, do people buy houses?"
"Yes."
"How do they get them home?"
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Dumb Maine Laws
After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.
You may not step out of a plane in flight.
Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.
Augusta
To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.
Portland
Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street. |
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Maryland Jokes
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Maryland Jokes
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
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Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
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Maryland: If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us
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Dumb Maryland Laws
Thistles may not grow in one's yard.
Baltimore
It's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits.
It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.
It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine. This would include joggers that go shirtless. (1898)
No person who is a "tramp" or "vagrant" shall loiter in any park at any time. They define tramp as a person who roves for begging purposes and a vagrant as an idle person who is able-bodied living without labor. It's a $50 fine. I guess the tramp would have to beg for the money to pay the fine. -Park Rule 6
It is a violation of city code to sell chicks or ducklings to a minor within 1 week of the Easter holiday.
Baltimore City
Though you may spit on a city roadway, spitting on city sidewalks is prohibited.
You may not curse inside the city limits.
Columbia
You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish.
Though clotheslines are banned, clothes may be draped over a fence.
Ocean City
A law from the early 1900's prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk. (Repealed)
Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited. |
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Massachusetts Jokes
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Massachusetts Jokes
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
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If you're from Boston:
You'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP and what the blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summer (in winter it means snow is due).
If you're smaht, you'll never get cahded at the packie (liquor,or packagestore).
You only eat italian sausage outside Fenway Pahk before a Sox game with mustid, peppahs-n-onions.
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You might be from Boston if...
You think of Philadelphia as the midwest.
You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's).
You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins.
You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."
Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.
You don't think you have an attitude.
You always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.
Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked.
You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
You have no idea what the word compromise means.
You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else.
You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic & stubborn.
You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something, or are from out of town.
Your favorite adjective is "wicked."
You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.
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Dumb Massachusetts Laws
At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (Repealed)
Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
It is illegal to reproach Jesus Christ or the holy ghost. (MGL Chapter 272 section 36)
It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits. (MGL Chapter 272 section 86)
It's illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color. (MGL Chapter 272 Section 80D)
It's illegal to allow someone to use stilts while working on the construction of a building. (MGL Chapter 149 Section 129B)
It's illegal to drive Texan, Mexican, Cherokee, or Indian cattle on a public road. (MGL Chapter 129 Section 35)
No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
Tattooing and body piercing is illegal. (Repealed October 2000)
Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.
Quakers and witches are banned.
Bullets may not be used as currency.
Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.
Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.
Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal.
Public boxing matches are outlawed.
It is unlawful to injure a football goal post, doing so is punishable by a $200 fine
Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine.
It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.
Boston
It is illegal to play the fiddle.
Two people may not kiss in front of a church.
No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city.
No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears.
Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays.
It is illegal to eat peanuts in church.
An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday.
Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.
Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common.
No one may take a bath without a prescription.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs.
Burlington
You may not walk around with a "drink".
Cambridge
It is illegal to shake carpets in the street, or to throw orange peels on the sidewalk (section 12.16.100).
It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday. (section 12.20.030)
Hingham
You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible.
If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society.
Hopkinton
Though horses and cows are allowed on the common, dogs are prohibited.
Longmeadow
It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.
Marlboro
It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun.
Silly string is illegal in the city limits.
One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than two dogs.
Milford
Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.
Newton
All families must be given a hog from the town's mayor.
North Andover
An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns.
Woburn
In bars, it is actually illegal to "walk around" with a beer in your hand. (Repealed) |
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Michigan Jokes
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Michigan Jokes
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
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Q: What's the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q: How many University of Michigan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.
Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A: On the University of Michigan campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.
Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Michigan weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.
Q: Why don't University of Michigan fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because cats keep covering them up.
A University of Michigan fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."
Q: Did you hear about the University of Michigan fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn't get his family out.
Q: Why do University of Michigan fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Two University of Michigan fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do. The first University of Michigan fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it." The first University of Michigan fan asks, "Why not?" The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Michigan's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Michigan campus?
A: The officials had to check ID's before letting anyone back on board.
Q: What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a University of Michigan?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: What should you do if you find three University of Michigan fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish." The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war." The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish." "Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?" After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."
Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Michigan fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.
Q: How many University of Michigan freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
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Dumb Michigan Laws
A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
There is a 10 cent bounty for each rat's head brought into a town office.
It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house.
You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan.
Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.
Clawson
There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
Detroit
Couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.
It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.
Alligators may not be tied to fire hydrants.
It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose. According to history and animal husbandry, it prevents them from "rooting" in the ground for their food.
Grand Haven
No person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense.
Harper Woods
It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell them as parakeets.
Kalamazoo
It is against the law to serenade your girlfriend.
Rochester
All bathing suits must have been inspected by the head of police.
Soo
Smoking while in bed is illegal.
Wayland
Anyone can keep their cow on Main Street downtown at a cost of 3 cents per day. |
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Minnesota Jokes
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Minnesota Jokes
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
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Dumb Minnesota Laws
A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.
It is illegal to sleep naked.
All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts.
Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.
All bathtubs must have feet.
Hibbing
It shall be the duty of any policeman or any other officer to enforce the provisions of this Section, and if any cat is found running at large, or which is found in any street, alley or public place, it shall be the duty of any policeman or other officer of the city to kill such cat.
Minneapolis
Red cars can not drive down Lake Street
St. Cloud
Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays.
Virginia
You're not allowed to park your elephant on Main Street. |
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Mississippi Jokes
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Mississippi Jokes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
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Dumb Mississippi Laws
Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.
Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road.
Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $201 fine. -Sec. 97-35-37
Columbus
The fine for waving a gun in public is higher than actually shooting it.
Oxford
It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session.
One may not spit on the sidewalks on the square.
Motor vehicles on the square are prohibited.
Horn honking is not permitted as it might scare horses. Tylertown
It is unlawful to shave in the center of main street. |
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Missouri Jokes
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Missouri Jokes
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
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Dumb Missouri Laws
It is not illegal to speed. (Repealed)
Buckner
In this small town of only 4,000, yard waste may be burned any day except Sunday.
Excelsior Springs
Hard objects may not be thrown by hand.
Worrying squirrels is not tolerated.
Kansas City
Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely.
Installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited.
Marceline
Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters.
Marquette
It is illegal for more than four unrelated persons to occupy the same dwelling (The Brothel Law).
Mole
Frightening a baby is in violation of the law.
Natchez
It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.
Purdy
Dancing is strictly prohibited.
St. Louis
It's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. This law refers back to the extinct Italian celebration, Hill Day, when beer was served in buckets.
A milk man may not run while on duty.
University City
Four women may not rent an apartment together. |
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Montana Jokes
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Montana Jokes
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
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Dumb Montana Laws
Seven or more indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. (Repealed)
In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
Excelsior Springs
Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.
Helena
No item may be thrown across a street.
Salisbury
Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground.
Whitehall
It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels. |
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Nebraska Jokes
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Nebraska Jokes
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
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Dumb Nebraska Laws
If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
It is Illegal to go whale fishing.
It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
Lehigh
Doughnut holes may not be sold
Omaha
Sneezing or burping is illegal during a church service.
A man is not allowed to run around with a shaved chest.
Waterloo
Barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M. |
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Nevada Jokes
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Nevada Jokes
Nevada: Poker!
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Dumb Nevada Laws
It's still "legal" to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.
It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
Clark County
An ordinance makes bringing a concealable fire arm into the county illegal unless it is registered with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. In order to register a handgun, however, it must be brought in to the police station. Furthermore, you may not register a gun on the weekends, but the police may prosecute you at that time.
Elko
Everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask.
Eureka
Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.
Nyala
A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day. |
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New Hampshire Jokes
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New Hampshire Jokes
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
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Dumb New Hampshire Laws
You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
It is considered an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name.
It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
Any cattle that crosses state roads must be fitted with a device to gather its feces.
You may not run machinery on Sundays.
On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.
White Mountain Nat. Forest
If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, or many other kind things without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for ''maintaining the national forest without a permit''. |
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New Jersey Jokes
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New Jersey Jokes
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
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Dumb New Jersey Laws
You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only. [Reader Comments on this Law.]
On a highway you can not park under a bridge.
It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.
If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.
Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.
You may not slurp your soup.
Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.
It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.
Bernards Township
It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".
Caldwell
You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.
Cranford
Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.
Cresskill
All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.
Elizabeth
It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.
Manville
It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.
Newark
It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.
Ocean City
People may not slurp their soup.
Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday.
Raw hamburger may not be sold.
Raritan
Profanity is prohibited.
Sea Isle City
There will be no boiling of bones on the property.
Trenton
You may not throw a bad pickle in the street.
Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays. |
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New Mexico Jokes
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New Mexico Jokes
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
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Dumb New Mexico Laws
State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.
Carrizozo
It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.
Las Cruces
You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street. |
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New York Jokes
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New York Jokes
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...
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Oh Lordy!
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."
So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"
"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."
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Dumb New York Laws
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.
Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.
Carmel
A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
Greene
During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.
New York
Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".
It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."
You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.
Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.
Ocean City
It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.
It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.
Staten Island
You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.
It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior." |
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Newfoundland Jokes
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The Genie
A drunk guy was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.
"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.
The guy, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a beer that will never run out."
*Poof*
A bottle appears in front of the guy. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The guy being very content starts walking away.
"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"
"Well," replies the guy, "Give me TWO more of these!"
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Newfoundland Survival Kit
Now that the summer is upon us, you might be considering a visit to Canada's youngest province. Here are a few survial tips:
a) Memorize all of the jokes at this site. Every Newfoundlander will be impressed that you have taken the time to learn about our culture and can quote these jokes verbatum.
b) Always refer to a Newfoundlander as "Newfie", otherwise you will be considered snobbish.
c) Until you are more familiar with Newfoundland and it's history stick to safe topics when talking to Newfoundladers. A good opening line might be: "I hear unemployment is high in Newfoundland" or "My brother Jack works with a Newfoundlander in Brooks Alberta".
d) Learn how to pronounce Newfoundland. Many Canadians pronounce Newfoundland as "Newf-And-Land", sort of like Understand. This won't get you many friends. The correct pronunciation is "New-Fun-Lin". If you remember any of these tips, make sure it is this one.
e) Don't visit a bar on Monday evening, it will be empty as everyone will be at home watching "This Hour Has 22 Minutes". Also look through the TV Guide to see if "Codco" is on, another good time to stay at home.
f) If you do visit a night club be sure to ask for Screech. You will insult the bartender by asking for anything else. Newfoundlanders are like the Scots when it comes to their national drink. It's a fact the average Newfoundlander drinks Screech with every meal.
g) If you don't get to visit Newfoundland, but meet a Newfoundlander during your visit to Toronto, remember to compliment him/her on the province. A good example would be: "Your from Newfoundland, I love the Maritimes, I visited Nova Scotia two years ago".
h) Memorize all of the jokes at this site. Every Newfoundlander will be impressed that you have taken the time to learn about our culture and can quote these jokes verbatum.
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Showing A Horse
There was a guy he walked into this bar. On the door it read "If you can make my horse laugh then I will give you $50".
So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went out in the back alley and came back and the horse was laughing. So the bar tender said a deal is a deal and gave him his $50.
Then about three months later the same guy came back into this bar and say a sign on the door it read: If you can make my horse cry then I will give you $50.
So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went in to the back alley and made the horse cry. He came back in and the bar tender said a deal is a deal but first tell me how you hade my horse laugh and cry. He said to make him laugh I told him mine is bigger than his. To make him cry I showed him!
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"One day a Newfie goes down to the village carpenter and requests a wooden crate that is 1 inch tall, 1 inch wide and 50 feet long."
When the carpenter asks what he needs it for, the Newfie replies "The wife snapped her clothesline the other day, and I have to send it to Toronto to get it fixed."
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A Mainlander was driving down the highway and he ran over a rabbit. Wondering what had happened, he stopped his car and got out to look. As he is standing there, looking at the dead rabbit, a Newfie drives by. The Newfie, wondering if he can help, stops and asks the Mainlander what's up.
Mainlander: "I'm here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your land rodents."
Newfie looks down and sees the dead rabbit.
Newfie: "No problem, b'y. Hang'er down a few."
Newfie goes to his truck and returns with an aerosol spray can. He empties the spray over the rabbit. He then chucks the empty can into the ditch and sez "There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay." He gets in his truck and is gone.
The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet and he's gone into the woods.
The Mainlander was astounded!! Wondering what the Newfie did, he got the can out of the ditch and read the label, which said: "Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave" |
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North Carolina Jokes
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North Carolina Jokes
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
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2000 Federal Census for North Carolina
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex:
____ M
_____ F
_____ Not sure
Shoe Size:
____ Left
____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:_____________________
3rd Spouse's Name:_____________________
Lover's Name:__________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4
(Circle highest grade completed)
Do you
(_) own or
(_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196___
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes
(_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Left______
Right_____
Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol
Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?
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Dumb North Carolina Laws
It's against the law to sing off key.
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.
All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden.
A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent.
Barber
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.
Chapel Hill
It is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly.
Charlotte
Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
Elon College
There is to be no rollerblading during daylight hours, on the roads, or on the bricks. All the sidewalks at this college are made of brick. (Repealed in 1998)
Forest City
You must stop and call City Hall before entering town in an automobile. This is so the townspeople will have time to go out and hold their horses until you get through town.
Greensboro
Restaurants "with on sidewalk dining" must post their menu so that it is clearly readable from the sidewalk, but is not readable from the street.
Hornytown
Massage parlors have been banned.
Kill Devil Hills
You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars.
Rocky Mount
It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog.
Southern Shores
It is against the law to rollerblade on a state highway. |
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North Dakota Jokes
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North Dakota Jokes
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
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Dumb North Dakota Laws
Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon
Fargo
One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place. |
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