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Ask For Raise
Ratings: 3.64 |
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"I have to have a raise in my commission," the agent said to his manager. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company." |
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A very successful real estate broker had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my real estate office. All you have to do is go to the office every day and learn the business."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate office. I can't stand agents."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some the paperworks."
"I hate paperworks," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of my real estate office, but you don't like office and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out." |
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Commission Check
Ratings: 2.93 |
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Commission Check
An agent who was being paid by the week approached his office manager and held up his last paycheck.
'This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,' he said.
'I know,' the manager said. 'But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.'
'Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake,' the agent answered, 'but when it gets to be a habit, I feel
I have to call it to your attention.'
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Congratulations on your new home
Ratings: 4.42 |
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A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home". |
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Crusty old man
Ratings: 4.33 |
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A crusty old man walks into a real estate office and says to an female agent,
"I want to sell my god damn house."
To which the astonished female agent replies, "I beg your pardon,
sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to sell my fucking house!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of
language in this office."
So saying, the agent goes over to the officer broker to tell him about her situation. They both
return and the broker asks the old geezer, "What seems to
be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I want to sell my fucking million dollar home."
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving
you a hard time?" |
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Cut Workload
Ratings: 3.37 |
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Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them. |
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Debt-propelled
Ratings: 1.37 |
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AFTER nearly ten years of remote rural living, my husband, a salesman, was transferred to a new territory near a large city. We found the prospect of being near a community rich in culture very appealing. Our enthusiasm was severely dampened, however, after a frustrating day of house-hunting and discovering suburban real estate prices. Some time later, over lunch, we complained to my husband's new supervisor about the exorbitant monthly payments on the property which we had selected, anticipating a sympathetic reaction. Instead, he exclaimed, "That's just how I like to see my salespeople - debt-propelled!" |
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Ebby Hallida Realtors
Ratings: 1.07 |
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Real Estate in Dallas, Plano, South Lake, Carrolton, Frisco, McKinney, and Collin County. Check out local partners and the latest real estate news. |
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First Agent : Did you pass your ethics exam?
Second Agent: I passed my ethics exam. Of course I've cheated. |
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How do real estate agents traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you." |
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Horizon Group, Capitol Area Realty
Ratings: 1.07 |
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Team of three full-time Austin Realtors who assist home buyers and sellers throughout the area. Search the Austin MLS online (1000\'s of homes). |
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How's business?
Ratings: 1.31 |
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IN A crowded elevator, one man asked another, "How's business?" "Last year we sold 500,000 houses, 700,000 farms and 750,000 schools," came the reply. "This year we ought to do equally well and, in addition, sell 1,200,000 garages." As the elevator descended, there was heavy silence for a moment. Then someone spoke up indignantly. "Sir," he said, "I'm in real estate, and those figures are preposterous!" He didn't know that the man boasting about his business was the marketing director of a major toy company. |
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I'm not a quitter
Ratings: 2.67 |
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A guy walks into the real estate office and hands the broker his application. The broker begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every real estate office he has ever worked for.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every real estate office."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the broker, "there's not much positive in that."
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter." |
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Letter of recommendation
Ratings: 3.37 |
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Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired Agent?
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an agent with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
For an agent who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an agent who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."
For a stupid agent:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."
For a dishonest agent:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker." |
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Main Entrance
Ratings: 4.41 |
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A broker was dismayed when a brand new real estate office much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST AGENTS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST COMMISSIONS.' The broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own real estate office. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE' |
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My Agent Always Give 100%
Ratings: 3.25 |
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12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday |
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Protected Classes
Ratings: 3.96 |
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Broker, to four of his agents: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Agent: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Agent: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Agent: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male Agent, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..." |
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Real Estate Office Lingo -- 2
Ratings: 1.50 |
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"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: " You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career". |
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Realty Associates
Ratings: 1.13 |
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Realty Directory for the North Houston area. |
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Security Realty / Gmac Real Estate
Ratings: 1.27 |
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Full time full service Wausau Wi real Estate Agent |
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Two real estate agents decided to start a new career to sell shoe.
The two real estate agents goes to Africa to open up new markets.
Three days after arriving, one real estate agent said, "I’m returning on the next flight.
Can’t sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."
At the same time the other real estate agent sent an email to the factory,
telling "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!" |
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Selman & Associates
Ratings: 0.93 |
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Real Estate in Lake Havasu City, Lakeridge Estates, Crystal Beach, Havasu Heights, and Mohave County. Find free reports and your dream home here. |
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Spetic Tank Inspection
Ratings: 2.57 |
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An agent in my office attended a septic tank cleaning on behalf of her buyer along with the
lisiting agent & the husband-seller. When the service man lifted the lid of the septic tank, he beckoned to everyone gathered nearby to come look. "See all those white floating things," he said, "condoms can ruin a septic system."
The husband-seller blanched, then blurted out, "I had a vasectomy before I moved in here."
"Oh," said the service man, "well boys will be boys."
"My children are grown"
muttered the seller-husband.
Just at that moment, the wife-seller's car turned into the driveway.
Both agents were in their cars and ready to exit even before the seller-wife got out of her car. |
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Talking Frog
Ratings: 2.80 |
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Good times, bad times, Agents will be advertising. In good times agents
want to advertise; in bad times they have to.
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a real estate agent who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a real estate agent!"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a real estate agent!" |
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Ten Commandments
Ratings: 3.71 |
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A real-estate agent, had difficulty getting a listing from a customer whose theory was that "there is no substitute for experience." After he asked her a third time how many years she had been in the business, she told him: "Sir, there is a little-known historical fact that Moses brought three tablets down from the mountain-two were the Ten Commandments and the other was my real-estate license!" She got the listing. |
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Use of the office as a home
Ratings: 2.00 |
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Our Agent Ted worked overtime for several weeks. On the final evening, one woman said, "Ted, do you have a copy of the latest tax regulations? There's something I want to look up." "What's that?" I asked. "Use of the office as a home." |
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What's the catch?
Ratings: 3.77 |
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The Devil tells a Real Estate Agent, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any Real Estate Agent
alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest agent that ever lived."
"Well," says the Real Estate Agent, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."
"Wait a minute," the Real Estate Agent says cautiously, "What's the catch?" |
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Whose Dad is Better?
Ratings: 2.25 |
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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a real estate agent. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!" |
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Why Broker make more money:
Ratings: 4.11 |
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Now, for the first time we have a rigid Mathematical proof that explains why this is in fact true.
Postulate 1: Knowledge is power.
Postulate 2: Time is money.
As every Engineer knows, Work / Time = Power
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have Work / Money = Knowledge
Solving for Money, we get: Work / Knowledge = Money Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero,
Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
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You Might Be a Salesperson if...
Ratings: 2.00 |
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you refer to dating as test marketing.
when you bought a new house you called your fellow alumni and offered to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down payment.
your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his desk and stared out his window..."
when you give your son his birthday present, you must say that it has an "unprecedented performance".
when you describe a product as "maintenance-free" you mean that it is impossible to fix it.
you insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child. |
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Young Broker
Ratings: 4.10 |
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A young broker had just started his own real estate office. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the broker picked up the phone and
started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." |
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Your rival gets double
Ratings: 4.16 |
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A real estate agent walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make,
your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."
The real estate agent thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "
But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the agent said.
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said.
"And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant." |
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How many agents does it take to change a lightbulb (fsbo)?
Ratings: 3.12 |
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20 agents will go by and take a note that its out.
10 of those agents might call a store to see if they have the right bulb.
5 of these agents might go and buy the bulb.
But only one will actually bother to pull over a chair and get up there and change it!
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