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25 Proverbs for a Healthier Life
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1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a
garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. There is not one shred of evidence to support the notion that life is
serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
run out of material. |
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Actual Headlines
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Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to
Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors |
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Best Headlines of 2002
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Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors |
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Confusing Santa
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The top 18 ways to confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
18. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us." |
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Cool Things About Being a Man
Ratings: 5.00 |
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1- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2- Your orgasms are real. Always.
3- Your last name stays put.
4- The garage is all yours.
5- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8- You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10- Same work, more pay.
11- Wrinkles add character.
12- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13- Wedding dress $2,000.00; Tux rental $100.00
14- If you retain water, it's in a canteen
15- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17- One mood, all the damn time.
18- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19- A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20- You can open all your own jars.
21- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22- Your underwear is $10.00 for a three-pack.
23- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "he must be mad at me".
27- No maxi-pads.
28- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31- You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33- Your belly usually hides your big hips
34- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35- You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
37- The world is your urinal. |
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Perks for the Over-40 Crowd
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Perks for the Over 40 Crowd
1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4) People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6) There's nothing left to learn 'the hard way'.
7) Things you buy now probably won't wear out.
8) You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9) You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11) You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12) You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
walks into the room.
15) You sing along with the elevator music.
16) Your eyes won't get much worse.
17) Your investment in health insurance is finally
beginning to pay off.
18) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than
the National Weather Service.
19) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they
can't remember them either.
20) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a
manageable size.
21) You can't remember who sent you this list. |
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Pickup Lines
Ratings: 5.00 |
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I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
So there you are! I've been looking all over for YOU, the girl of my dreams!
Stand still so I can pick you up!
Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
What was that sound? It was the sound of my heart breaking.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
What's that in your eye? Must just be a twinkle.
What's your favorite position on extramarital sex?
What's your sign?
Where have you been all my life?
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
Wow.
You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth.
You must be a hell of a thief 'cause you stole my heart from across the room.
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night.
[Grab the ass] Pardon me, is this seat taken ? |
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Rejected Books
Ratings: 4.00 |
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Rejected Dr. Seuss books:
1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo- Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Marvin K. Monney, Get the F*ck Out
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15. Aunts In My Pants
Little Golden Books That Never Made It:
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curios George and the High Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go To Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets A Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. You Were An Accident
19. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
20. Pop! Goes the Hamster.and Other Great Microwave Games
21. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
22. Your Nightmares are Real
23. Where would You Like To Be Buried?
24. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
25. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
26. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
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Things Not To Say On A First Date
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1.You're fine for a girl with body odor.
2.Do you shave?
3.How much do you actually weigh?
4.You look pretty old for your age.
5.Can you pay for the bill, I'm kind of broke.
6.Thanks for lending me your car, I only wrecked it a little.
7.Why did you get your shoes out of that dumpster out there?
8.Do you wear deodorant?
9.Will you marry me?
10.Oh man, got any Ex-Lax?
11.Do you wipe your butt?
12.Do you like someone else like another girl?
13.Can I kiss your face?
14.Since you have a car, can you drop me off at Charter Beacon?
15.I think you are ugly. |
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Top 10 Things to Say on a Date
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Top 10 Things to Say on a Date
10. "I sure like chicken."
9. "What a wonderful day. Did I mention I was in a car accident on the way over?"
8. "This is so exciting! I've never taken two showers in one week before!"
7. "How about them Reading Phillies? ;)"
6. "That's quite interesting... (yawn)"
5. "I sold my entire 1999 set of baseball cards last week!"
4. "Do you watch Pokemon? I like Pokemon!"
3. "How 'bout them kidneys on eBay?"
2. "Do I smell tacos? I wish we could have tacos!"
1. "My pet monkey gives you two thumbs up!" |
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Top Ten Reasons it Sucks to be A Penis
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10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbour is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a penis:
1. Every time you get excited, you throw up. |
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Top Ten Times in history when saying F**K was
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10) "What the f**k was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these f**king Indians come from?" - Custer
8) "Any f**king idiot could understand that! " - Einstein
7) "It DOES f**king look like her!" - Picasso
6) "How the f**k did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna f**king rain ?" - Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered f**king showers... my arse!" - Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in my head!" -J.F.K.
1) "Who the f**k is going to know?" - Bill Clinton |
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Viagra Advertising Slogans
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10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].
3. Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions? |
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What Not to Say to a Cop
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1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me!
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist?
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around--That's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. |
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