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Applicant Speak: what they say and what they mean by it
Ratings: 0.50 |
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I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I’M BALANCED AND CENTERED:
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.
I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.
I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING
I'm a college dropout.
I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:
I've been accused of sexual harassment.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Don't throw me away! |
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Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments
Ratings: 0.75 |
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Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make him feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money. |
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Employer Speak: what they say and what they mean by it
Ratings: 0.75 |
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ENTRY LEVEL POSITION:
You'll be making minimum wage.
ENTRY LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP AND COMING COMPANY:
You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
PROFIT SHARING PLAN:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up, although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Social Work.
CAREER MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect |
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Glossary of Terms
Ratings: 2.14 |
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Spacious - average
Charming - small
Comfortable - very small
Cozy - very, very small
Low maintenance - no lawn
Walk to stores - nowhere to park your car
Prestgious - expensive
Bright and sunny - venetian blinds not included
Townhouse - former tenement
Modern - 30 to 40 years old
Contemporary - at least 15 years old
Sprawling ranch - inefficient floor plan
Natural setting - forget about planting, the deer will eat everything
Secluded setting - far away
Executive neighborhood - high taxes
Near houses of worship - fanatical denomination next door
Park-like setting - a tree on the block
Unaffected charm - needs painting
Starter home - run down
Hurry! Won't last - about to collapse
And much, much more - nothing else comes to mind |
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Office Lingo
Ratings: 1.60 |
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Office Lingo
Here are the latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the office environment.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project
failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and
then leaves.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving
the brass with clean hands.
CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss
while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that
fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the
geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for
the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or
department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning
that the requested documentation could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such
as fast food joints, strip malls and subdivisions, as in "We were so lost in generica, I forgot what city
we were in."
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Umfriend - A relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is
Sue, my ... um ... friend."
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Real Estate Ad Phrases
Ratings: 1.80 |
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CHARMING - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have
to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."
MUCH POTENTIAL - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and
believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See
"Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."
UNIQUE CITY HOME - Used to be a warehouse.
HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the
kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.
DARING DESIGN - Still a warehouse.
COMPLETELY UPDATED - Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting
or vice versa.
SOPHISTICATED - Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."
ONE-OF-A-KIND - Ugly as sin.
BRILLIANT CONCEPT - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your
30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."
UPPER BRACKET - If you have to ask . . .
YOU'LL LOVE IT - No, you won't.
MUST SEE TO BELIEVE - An absolutely accurate statement. |
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Real Estate Office Lingo
Ratings: 1.00 |
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Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.
"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
"CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. |
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Recommendation Terms
Ratings: 1.40 |
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1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
"In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can manage, "you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."
2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
5.To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly |
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Short Real Estate Jokes
Ratings: 2.17 |
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My buyer told me that he lived in the same house for 10 years. When I checked, I found out he'd still be there
today if the Governor hadn't pardoned him.
Why do you have your front door leading right into the dining room? So my relatives won't have to waste any
time.
The sellers told me their house was near the water. It was in the basement.
How much are they asking for your rent now? Oh, about twice a day.
I have a temporary mortgage. What do you mean temporary? Until they foreclose.
Realtor sign--We have "lots" to be thankful for.
Realtor: first you folks tell me what you can afford, then we'll have a good laugh and go on from there.
The dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. The dream of today's young families is to get one.
There is no longer a need for the neutron bomb. We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact. It's called a mortgage.
If you think no one cares you're alive, miss a couple of house payments.
My buyers went through debt consolidation. Now they have only one bill they won't pay.
I listed a maintenance free house. In the last 25 years there hasn't been any maintenance.
Did you hear about Robin Hood's house? It has a little John.
My agent was always smiling. I didn't think anybody could have that many teeth without being a barracuda.
If you want to know exactly where the property line is, just watch the neighbor cut the grass.
Houses today don't have enough closet space. Sure they do. They're just called guest bedrooms.
Trivia: The floors of buildings are called stories because early European builders used to paint picture stories on
the sides of their houses. Each floor had a different story.
A lot of homes have been spoiled by inferior desecrators.--Frank Lloyd Wright
I bought a two story house. One story before I bought, and another after.
The house is only 5 minutes from shopping . . .if you've got an airplane.
This country is great. It's the only place where you can borrow money for a downpayment, get a 1st and 2nd
mortgage and call yourself a homeowner.
Home is where the mortgage is.
A housewarming is the final call for those who haven't sent a wedding present
The best part of a real estate bargain is the neighbor.
The house was more covered with mortgages than with paint.
Home: A place when you go there they have to take you in.
Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
A man's home is his castle. That's how it seems when he pays taxes on it.
Housebroke--What you are after buying a house.
Sign next to FSBO-We shoot every third agent and the 2nd one just left.
This house has every new convenience except low payments.
The trouble with owning a home is that no matter where you sit, you're looking at something you should be doing.
They have an all electric home. Everything in it is charged.
My buyers want a new home on the outskirts---of their income, that is.
A Happy Home is a place where each spouse entertains the possibility that the other may be right though neither
believes it.
By the time you pay for a home in the suburbs, it isn't.
A Modern home is a place where a switch controls everything but the kids, and it has gadgets to do everything
except make the payments.
The house has a wall to wall carpet and back to wall payment.
A typical home has a TV set that is adjusted better than the kids.
House problem: The oven is self-cleaning, but the kids aren't.
Our new house has one down payment and 240 darn payments.
Homesickness What you feel every month when the mortgage is due. |
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Vocabulary for Your Workplace
Ratings: 1.25 |
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Memo:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals through out the company
have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with other employees. Due
to complaints received from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will
no longer be tolerated. Nonetheless we do realize the critical importance of individuals being able to
properly express their feelings when communicating with fellow employees. Therefore, a list of code
phrase replacements has been compiled so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in
an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive co-workers.
OLD PHRASE:
-->PREFERRED NEW PHRASE:
You would have to be an idiot!
-->I'm certain that's not feasible.
You've got to be kidding me.
-->Really?
Tell someone who cares.
-->Perhaps you should check with...
I hope the game is on tonight.
-->Of course I'm concerned.
It's not my problem.
-->I wasn't involved with that project
What the heck?
-->Interesting.
Get a clue, it will never work.
-->I'm not sure I can implement this.
Why didn't you tell me that sooner?
-->I'll try to schedule that.
When do you expect me to do this?
-->Perhaps I can work late.
Why are you whining?
-->Are you sure this is a problem?
He's got his head up his butt.
-->He's not familiar with the problem.
We're not idiots.
-->You don't say.
I am planning to kill you.
-->Excuse me?
Kiss my butt.
-->So you'd like my help with it?
Shove it
-->I love a "challenge".
Who died and made you the boss?
-->You want me to take care of this?
Another unproductive meeting?
-->Yes, we really should discuss this.
I could care less.
-->I don't think it will be a problem.
He's a jerk and should die.
-->He can sometimes be insensitive.
She can be a real bitch.
-->She's an aggressive go-getter.
A monkey could do a better job.
-->You could benefit from some training.
Nobody does anything around here.
-->We're going through a transition.
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What hi-tech salespeople say and what they mean by it
Ratings: 0.00 |
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what hi-tech salespeople say and what they mean by it
New: Different color from previous design.
All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Revolutionary: It's different from our competitiors.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Improved: Didn't work the first time.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.
Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.
Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.
Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.
Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.
High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.
SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.
New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.
Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.
Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.
Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can't explain.
Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.
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