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Not for Catholics!
Ratings: 4.00 |
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How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a altar boy. |
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What goes black, white, black, white?
Answer: A Nun rolling down a hill
What goes black, white, ha ha, black, white, ha ha?
Answer: the nun that pushed her |
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Ohio Jokes
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
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A short story...
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain,which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
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Dumb Ohio Laws
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.
Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.
Breast feeding is not allowed in public.
It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.
It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.
Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.
No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.
Bay Village
It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road.
Bexley
Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.
Clinton County
Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines.
Cleveland
It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license!
Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.
Columbus
It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
Fairview Park
It's against the law to honk your horn "excessively". A grandmother was fined for honking her horn twice at her neighbor.
Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission.
Ironton
Cross-dressing is against the law.
Lima
Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold.
Lowell
It is unlawful to run a horse over five miles per hour.
Marion
You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.
North Canton
It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police.
McDonald
Your goose may not paraded down Main Street.
Oxford
It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
Paulding
A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.
Toledo
Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal.
Strongsville
Catch 22 is banned.
Youngstown
Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed.
You may not run out of gas. |
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Oklahoma Jokes
Ratings: 0.00 |
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Oklahoma Jokes
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
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Dumb Oklahoma Laws
Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.
It is against the law to read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle.
Whaling is illegal.
It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.
Residents are taxed for the furniture in their homes, and any other personal belongings. (Repealed 1998)
People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings. (Repealed)
Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television.
Tattoos are banned.
No one may spit on a sidewalk.
It is illegal to wear your boots to bed.
Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus.
Tissues are not to be found in the back of one's car.
Ada
If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail.
Clinton
Molesting an automobile is illegal.
Hawthahorne
It is unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.
Oklahoma City
No one may walk backwards downtown while eating a hamburger.
Schulter
Women may not gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.
Tulsa
You may not open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer.
Elephants are not to be taken into the downtown area.
Wynona
One's mode of transportation must be tied up while not attended.
Mules may not drink out of bird baths.
Clothes may not be washed in bird baths.
Yukon
It is illegal to tie a horse in front of city hall.
While passing another vehicle, you must honk your horn. |
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Oregon Jokes
Ratings: 0.00 |
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Oregon Jokes
Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner
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Dumb Oregon Laws
Dishes must drip dry.
The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart.
It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.
Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.
You may not pump your own gas in service stations.
One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e.,that which covers one's body from neck to knee.
Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.
Beaverton
You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.
Eugene
It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays. (Repealed in the 1970s)
It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert.
Hood River
Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license.
Klamath Falls
It's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane.
Portland
It's against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. (Repealed in 1989)
People may not whistle underwater.
You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms.
Marion
Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.
Myrtle Creek
One may not box with a kangaroo.
Salem
Women may not wrestle in Salem.
Springfield
It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet.
Stanfield
Cloth towel dispensers are banned from restrooms.
No more than two people may share a single drink. |
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Pedophile Priest
Ratings: 0.00 |
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As the alterboy is leaving to go home, the priest says. "See you later aligator" the alterboy replies "In a while pedophile". |
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Pennsylvania Jokes
Ratings: 0.00 |
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Pennsylvania Jokes
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
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Pennsylvania Road System Slogans
1. If you can build a better highway, we'd like to see it!
2. Potholes....Shmotpoles!
3. Highway numbers go to the highest bidder!
4. Land of 10,000 potholes.
5. We don't repair roads, we destroy them!
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Bumpy roads, tale me home, to the place I belong,
Pennsylvania, land of potholes, take me home.
I hear the car as it rattles down the highway,
Each bump tearing at its springs and shocks.
And each thump and groan reminds me,
The garage bill is coming soon some day.
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You know you're from Pennsylvania if...
You only own three spices: salt, pepper, ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
You have an uncontrollable urge to buy bread and milk when you hear the word "snow."
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
You owe more money on your snowmobile or John Deere than your car.
The first day of "Buck Season" and "Doe Season" is a school holiday.
Your snowblower gets stuck on your roof.
The local paper covers National and International headlines on 1/4 page but requires six pages for sports.
School closings due to snow take the radio stations a half an hour to finish, because just about every town has its own school district.
When someone says 1972, you think "Agnes," and when someone says 1979, you think "TMI."
You call sloppy joes "barbecue."
When it snows, they put cinders on the roads instead of sand.
You think the start of deer hunting is a National Holiday.
You pronounce "Suite" as SUIT, not SWEET. As in Living Room Suite.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You only buy your beer and soda by the case.
You think the roads in any other state are smooth.
You find -20F "a little" chilly.
You ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
You know the four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
There are still places you can still stop along the road to buy fruits, vegetables, or crafts on the "honor system."
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a school bus.
You never see any Confederate Flags, except on the Gettysburg Battlefield.
You prefer Hershey's Chocolate to Godiva.
You consider Pittsburgh to be "out west," and you know the fastest way to Philly is the Turnpike.
You can give directions to Intercourse with a straight face.
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Penna. friends......
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Dumb Pennsylvania Laws
It is contrary to Pennsylvania law to discharge a gun, cannon, revolver or other explosive weapon at a wedding.
It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. However up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.
It it illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.
Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue.
A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
You may not sing in the bathtub.
Fireworks stores may not sell fireworks to Pennsylvania residents.
A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.
Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.
Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.
No more than two packages of beer at a time may be purchased, unless you are buying from an official "beer distributor"
All liquor stores must be run by the state.
Motorized vehicles are not to be sold on Sundays.
You may not catch a fish with your hands.
You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.
Dynamite is not to be used to catch fish.
Though you do not need a fishing license to fish on your own land, but a hunting license is required to hunt on your own land.
Carlisle
In the middle of town, one must pay a fee of $50 dollars a year to park on a particular block. At night, however, the cars must be moved for street cleaning. This law is enforced even if snow or ice prevents the cars from being moved.
Connellsville
One's pants may be worn no lower than five inches below the waist.
Danville
All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires.
Millville
One may not shoot any dog that is found wandering the streets.
The sale of alcohol is prohibited.
Morrisville
It is required that a woman have a permit to wear cosmetics.
Newtown
Every outlet or switch (which can be purchased for 59 cents) that is installed requires an electrical inspection fee of 1 dollar and 33 cents.
Pittsburgh
It is still illegal to bring a donkey or a mule onto a trolley car.
No one is allowed to sleep on a refrigerator.
Ridley Park
You cannot walk backwards eating peanuts in front of the Barnstormers Auditorium during a performance.
Tarentum
Horses are not to be tied to parking meters. |
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Priest And Boys
Ratings: 0.00 |
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Q: What do K-mart, and catholic priests both have in common.
A: They both have little boys underwear half off. |
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Rhode Island Jokes
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Rhode Island Jokes
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
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Rhode Island: Size ain't everything
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Rhode Island: Nobody famous came from Rhode Island
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Dumb Rhode Island Laws
Rhode Island recently applied to the US Government to make all the coastal waters of Rhode Island a "No Discharge Zone". The ostensible purpose was to prohibit the discharge of sewage by boats into the state's waters. However, discharge of raw sewage into the state waters was already illegal. What the "No Discharge Zone" actually did was make it illegal to discharge TREATED sewage from a boat into state waters. What now happens is that boats (whose treatment systems far outperform municipal sewage treatment plants) are now required to disable their sewage treatment systems, and carry their sewage to a shore-based facility, which then dumps the partially treated sewage back into Rhode Island's coastal waters.
It is illegal to challenge someone to a duel, or accept a duel, even it it is never actually fought. Penalty: Imprisonment for one to seven years.
Impersonating a town sealer, auctioneer, corder of wood, or a fence-viewer is against the law. Penalty: $20 to $100 fine.
It is illegal to place a windmill within twenty-five (25) rods of any traveled street or road.
Riding a horse over any public highway for the purpose of racing, or testing the speed of the horse is illegal. Penalty: Maximum $20 fine and imprisonment for 10 days.
Exercising any labor, business, or work, or using any game, sport, play, or recreation, or causing any of the above to be done to or by your children, servants, or apprentices on the first day of the week (Sunday) results in a penalty of $5 for the first offense and $10 for the second.
Professional sports, except ice polo and hockey, must obtain a license to play games on Sunday.
Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void. -SECTION 11-40-1
It is illegal to coast downhill in your car with your transmission in neutral, or with the clutch disengaged.
It is considered an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
Newport
You cannot smoke a pipe after sunset.
Providence
There is not an appeals process for exemtion of property tax due to a disability or poverty.
It is illegal to wear transparent clothing.
You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.
West Warwick
It is illegal to use water on even-numbered days for the sole purpose of watering plants, gardens, or lawns. If you break this law there is a fine of $25-$100. |
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Russia Jokes
Ratings: 0.00 |
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Russia Jokes
What's meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union?
It's when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party's.
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When Stalin was in office, he once noted that there were mice in his study and complained to President Kalinin about this. The President thought for a moment and suggested, "Why don't you put up a sign reading 'Collective Farm'? Half the mice will die of hunger and the other half will run away."
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Three prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon began talking. "What are you here for?" asked one inmate of another. "They put me in for beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich," snarled one man. "And why are you here?" asked the second of the first. "For having defended some old Jew named Khaimovich in a fight," he replied. "And what were you arrested for?" the third inmate was asked. "For being Khaimovich," he sighed.
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Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of the celebration activities, there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow. While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small boy aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child replies, "Mother Russia." "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, "Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev!". Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and what do you want to be when you grow up?". The boy proudly replies, "a good communist!".
Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?" The child replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic - East Germany]." "And who is your father?", asks Honnecker. "Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!", replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies "an orphan."
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One sunny day on the North Sea a creative little boy was playing in the sand trying to decide what to make. He discovered some Scheiss (you can guess what that is) on the beach so he decided to make a VoPo (People's Policeman). Just as he was finishing, along comes a VoPo, trying to make sure no one swims to Denmark. He decides to ask the little boy what that ugly thing made of Scheiss is. The little boy responds: "It's a VoPo!" So the officer beats him.
The next day, the boy is on the beach making the same creation when that same officer comes along and sees the boy is playing with the Scheiss again, and asks what he is doing. The boy responds "I'm making another VoPo!" So the officer beats him.
The day after that, the officer is strolling the beach, sees the boy playing just with sand, and is glad to see he has switched his medium. So he asks boldly "what are you making today?" The boy responds: "A G.I.!" The officer asks: "And why not a VoPo?" The boy responds: "Couldn't find any Scheiss."
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What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
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What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
The bus and train timetables.
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What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A bloody miracle.
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One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her choice. She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich, if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the borders just for one day." Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?" The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."
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Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn't there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!"
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A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close. "So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife. "Two," he responds. She slaps him hard across the face. "What was that for?"
"You have a mistress, now do you!!?"
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A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.
As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realises he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says: "Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!"
The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly. The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him: "By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"
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Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
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A young member of the German communist party went to his senior comrade with a strange request: he wanted permission from the Party to emigrate to West Germany. (It is only with the permission of the Party that people are allowed to leave East Germany. Often it is "granted'' as a method of eliminating people with inappropriate attitudes.)
"For what reasons could you possibly want to leave the Socialist paradise, young comrade?"
"Well, sir, I have a main reason, and a kind of side reason. The side reason is this: I know our Party has established a paradise here in the Democratic Republic, but the reason I want to leave is that I am very afraid that it will not last."
"Don't worry, son! It will last for ever."
"Well, good, sir: but that brings me to my main reason...."
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What did the Romanian people light their houses with before they started using candles?
Electricity.
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What is Communism?
The Poles say it's the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.
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A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
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You know you have been in Russia too long when ...
You have to think twice about throwing away the empty instant coffee jar.
You carry a plastic shopping bag with you "just in case."
You say he/she is "on the meeting" (as opposed to the more proper "at the" or "in a" meeting).
You answer the phone by saying "allo, allo, allo" before giving the caller a chance to respond.
You save table scraps for the cat(s) living in the courtyard.
When crossing the street, you sprint.
In winter, you choose your route first by determining which icicles are least likely to impale you on the head.
You are impressed with the new model Lada or Volga.
You let the telephone ring at least 3-4 times before you pick it up because it is probably a mis-connection or electric fault.
You hear the radio say it is just at or below freezing outside and you think it might be nice day for a change.
You argue with a taxi driver about a fare of 30 rubles to go 2-3 miles while it is snowing.
You actually know and care who won the last Spartak soccer match.
You win a shoving match with an old Babushka for a place in line and you are proud of it.
You hesitate to put on your seat belt to avoid offending the taxi driver and the impending 5 minute conversation to explain why you are putting it on.
You are pleasantly surprised when there is actually toilet paper in the WC. ( On what trip in Poland, After 3 days I was shown where the toilet roll was kept, I was told by my colleague that we had now achieved trusted advisor status)
You look at people's shoes to determine where they are from.
You're anxiously concerned because you forgot your "just in case" disposable hypodermic needle in your other coat.
You "automatically" hand in your pepper spray at the door before going through the metal detector.
You are pleasantly surprised when there is actually wine in that bottle of Georgian Kinzamaruli. ( Not everyone gets this one, email for solution!))
You notice that Flathead's cell phone is smaller than yours and you're jealous.
Your day seems brighter after seeing that Goon's Mercedes run into by a pensioner's "Moskvich".
You are thrown off guard when the doorman at the nightclub is happy to see you.
Your not sure what to do you when the "Gai" only asks you to pay the official fine.
You wonder what the tax inspector really wants when she says everything is in order.
You give a 10% tip only if the waiter has been really exceptional.
You plan your vacation around those times of the year when they turn off the hot water.
You're offended when your American friend gives you a "dozen" roses.
You don't notice that Sony sticker on the front of your TV.
You are relieved when the guy standing next to you on the bus actually uses Kleenex.
You are envious that your expat friend has smaller door keys than you.
You ask for no ice in your drink.
When you start using "davi" instead of "yes".
When you go mushroom and berry picking out of necessity, not recreation.
When you develop a liking for beets.
When you eat hot dogs for breakfast.
When you begin to socialize with your driver and/or your cleaning lady.
When you know what Dostoyevsky's favorite color was.
When you swear the arms on Gagarin's statue move (see photo).
When you move to Budapest and think you're in heaven.
When you start thinking of bread as a good mixer for vodka.
When you drink the brine from empty pickle jars.
When you start shopping for products by their country of production
When you go for a walk in the park, Baltika in hand, and its -8 and snowing.
When it doesn't seem strange to pay a the GAI of $2.25 for crossing the double line while making an illegal U-turn and $35 for a microwaved dish of frozen vegetables at a lousy restaurant.
When your coffee cups routinely smell like vodka.
When you start to "feel" public transport and bridge opening schedules.
When you know more than 60 Olgas
When you give you business card to social acquaintances.
When you wear a wool hat in the sauna.
When you put the empty bottle of wine on the floor in a restaurant. |
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San Francisco Jokes
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San Francisco Jokes
You Know You Live In San Francisco When ...
Your co-worker tells you s/he have 8 body piercings but none are visible.
When someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think of steak. You think of danger.
You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from Ohio.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.
You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF, and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.
A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice.
You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest.
You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.
You keep a list of companies to boycott. |
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Saskatchewan Jokes
Ratings: 4.00 |
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Top 10 Reasons To Live In Saskatchewan, Canada
1.You never run out of wheat
2.Those cool Saskatewan Wheat Pool hats
3.Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4.Your province is really easy to draw
5.You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6.It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7.YOUR Roughriders survived
8.You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9.People will assume you live on a farm
10.Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense |
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Small Oversight
Ratings: 0.00 |
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If Adam and Eve were the first man and first woman, why are they both always represented in all images and paintings...with a navel? |
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South Carolina Jokes
Ratings: 0.00 |
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South Carolina Jokes
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
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A short story...
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
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How do you know when you're staying in a South Carolina hotel?
"When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink."
and the person at the front desk says "go ahead".
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South Carolina: Just south of North Carolina
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Dumb South Carolina Laws
It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide.
Every adult male must bring a rifle to church on Sunday in order to ward off Indian attacks.
It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.
When approaching a four way or blind intersection in a non-horse driven vehicle you must stop 100 ft from the intersection and discharge a firearm into the air to warn horse traffic.
It is illegal to sell any alcoholic beverages on Sunday, unless you own a private club. (Repealed November 2000)
Horses may not be kept in bathtubs.
It is considered an offense to get a tattoo.
Performing a U-turn within 1,000 feet of an intersection is illegal.
Musical instruments may not be sold on Sunday.
No work may be done on Sunday.
An exception to the above law is that light bulbs may be sold.
All schools must prepare a suitable program for Francis Willard Day.
Dance halls may not operate on Sundays.
Merchandise may not be sold within a half mile of a church unless fruit is being sold.
Fortune tellers are required to obtain a special permit from the state.
A railroad my not remove itself from a town of more than five hundred people.
Railroad companies may be held liable in some instances for scaring horses.
By law, if a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, the marriage must take place.
It is illegal to communicate with a woman using obscene messages.
It is illegal to display a confederate flag on a courthouse.
Charleston
It is against the law to drive a motorized vehicle on King Street.
The Fire Department may blow up your house. This law was made so that the fire department could create a fire brake.
Fountain Inn
Horses are to wear pants at all times.
Lancaster County
It is illegal to dance in public in Lancaster.
Spartanburg
Eating watermelons in the Magnolia Street cemetery is forbidden. |
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South Dakota Jokes
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South Dakota Jokes
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
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Dumb South Dakota Laws
No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten, or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden.
If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you may shoot them.
Spearfish
If three or more Indians are walking down the street together, they can be considered a war party and fired upon. |
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Spanish dining
An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.
"These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the arms of the bull killed in the ring today."
The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These arms... are much smaller than the ones I had last night."
"Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose.
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In Spain they use a garotte.
It's pretty g'rotty. |
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Tennessee Jokes
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Tennessee Jokes
Tennessee: The Educashun State
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Dumb Tennessee Laws
You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.
Hollow logs may not be sold.
Any person crippling, killing or in any way destroying a proud female dog that is running at large shall not be held liable for the damages due to such killing or destruction.
More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel.
It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
"Crimes against nature" are prohibited.
Stealing a horse is punishible by hanging.
Driving is not to be done while asleep.
The age of consent is 16, but 12 if the girl is a virgin.
It is legal to gather and consume roadkill.
Dyersburg
It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
Fayette County
You may not have more than five inoperable vehicles on a piece of property.
Lenoir City
When you pull up to a stop sign you must fire a gun out the window to warn horse carriages that you are coming.
Lexington
No one may eat ice cream on the sidewalk.
Spitting on the sidewalk is prohibited.
Knoxville
In front of their buildings, all businesses must have a "hitching post."
Memphis
Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.
Panhandlers must first obtain a $10 permit before begging on the streets of downtown Memphis. (Passed in 1996)
It is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises. Oneida
An ordinance forbids anyone to sing the song "It Ain't Goin' To Rain No Mo'." |
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Texas Jokes
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
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Tall Tales
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
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A short story...
If a cowboy rode into town on Friday and left three days later on Friday. How the heck did it happen?
Answer: The horse's name is Friday
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Dumb Texas Laws
When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.
It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
Abilene
It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
Austin
Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.
Beaumont
Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.
Borger
It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.
Clarendon
It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.
Dallas
It's illegal to possess realistic dildos.
El Paso
Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them."
Houston
Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.
It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
Galveston
It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays.
Jasper
Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars.
LeFors
It is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.
Lubbock County
It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream.
Mesquite
It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.
Port Arthur
Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.
Richardson
It is now illegal to place a "for sale" sign on a car if it visible from the street.
It is illegal to do "U Turns".
San Antonio
It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.
It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.
Temple
No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square.
You can ride your horse in the saloon.
Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot.
Texarkana
Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.
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Ingin' Runnin'
There was this Texas cowboy and he had been riding his horse across the great plains on his way to California nonstop. Both him and his horse had gone days without sleep. As he rode in to one of the few towns on his trip he decided to stop in at the saloon and get a shot of wiskey to satisfy his thirst. As he got off his horse he realized that since his horse had not slept in a few days it might fall asleep now that they had finally stoped and it might take a few hours to wake his horse up.
He grabed this young indian who just happened to be walking by and told him of his predicament, he then asked the indian if he could run back and forth in front of his horse to keep it awake while he was tending his thirst in the bar. The indian agreed.
After a few drinks the cowboy forgot about the trip as he made friends and drank down round after round in the bar. As the hours past a cowboy entered the front door of the sallon and asked who owned the brown and white horse out front.
The cowboy who owned the horse said "I do so what about it?"
Well replied the cowboy you left your INGIN' RUNNIN'.....
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Say Partner
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." |
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The Doctor and the Lawyer
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An old Brethren preacher was dying. He sent a message for his Doctor and his Lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the Doctor and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves ... and that's how I want to go. |
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A flood was on its way, forcing everyone to evacuate. The police rowed up to the most pious woman in town and said, "Ma'am, you have to leave this house! People are dying out here!"
The woman replied, "No, I'm not leaving. God has always helped me before, and He will do it again."
So as the water started to rise, she went to the second story of her house. Another boat came by, and the captain yelled, "Ma'am, you have to get on this boat or you're going to drown!"
The woman replied again, "No, God helped me before, and He will do it again."
The water rose even higher. This time she went to the top of the roof, where a helicopter came and hovered overhead. The pilot called into his loudspeaker, "Please climb aboard, ma'am. You are going to drown!"
The women sniffed and again replied, "God is going to save me!"
But the water rose higher, and soon she drowned to death. She went to Heaven, and there she asked God, "Why didn't you save me, O Lord?"
And God replied, "I did help--I sent you two boats and a helicopter!" |
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The New Priest
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. |
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The Old Pastor
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The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills.
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?"
The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1." |
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The Pearly Gates
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A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "On a trip to
the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of macho bikers
who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily
tattooed biker.
I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or
you'll answer
to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago." |
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The Pope and Bill Clinton
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One day the Pope and Bill Clinton were on Air Force One. Well the plane crashes and they both die, and the Pope goes to hell and Clinton goes to heaven. The Pope is out raged and demands that the devil transport him to heaven, the devil agrees. When the pope arrives in heaven he walks around looking for bill clinton. When he finds him he is very excited and told clinton that he couldn't wait to meet the virgin mary and bill clinton said too late. |
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The Pope's Chauffeur
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The Pope is traveling by limo across America to make appearances.
One day he sees that his driver is taking him on an old dirt highway and the area is fairly desolate. He asks his driver, "You know, I've always had a chauffeur. I bet it's fun to drive. Would you mind if I gave it a try?"
The driver is a bit suprised, but agrees. After all, he is the Pope. The driver gets in the back of the limosine and lets the Pope take the wheel. The Pope is having such a good time that he speeds up. As he goes around a bend, a cop clocks him speeding and pulls him over. The officer walks to the window and upon seeing who it is, radios headquarters.
Cop: "I just pulled over a car for speeding, but it's someone special.
Should I give him a ticket?"
H.Q.: " Is it the governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
H.Q.: "The President?!?"
Cop: "Bigger."
H.Q.: "Damn! Who's bigger than the president?!?"
Cop: "I don't know, but he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!" |
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This priest lives in a small town, not only is he a priest he has a farm too.On the farm he has all sorts of animals but his favourite and best animal is a cockrooster.One day the rooster goes missing.He searches everywhere but cant find his beloved rooster anywhere.He decides to announce it at mass.During his announcements he asks,anyone here got a cock,and all the men stand up.Priest says i dont mean that what i mean is has anyone here seen a cock,and all the women stand up.Priest says no,what i mean is has anyone here seen my cock and all the children stand up. |
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Utah Jokes
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
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Utah Woman Deletes the Internet!
By Tom 7 (Dissociated Press)
REDMOND: Millions of frustrated calls rushed into internet service providers this past thursday as "The Information Superhighway" was reported Missing In Action for several days.
The Internet Engineering Task Force (IETF) traced the problem to a home in Utah where Doris Packuko resides. She was allegedly found "hysterical and crying", police say.
"That much information flowing through the phone lines all at once generates a lot of heat," Doug Wernicke of the IETF told us, "We just followed the smell of burning fiber optics."
"Apparently, she just deleted The Internet right off her desktop. Even after being warned, 'are you sure you want to delete The Internet?', she persisted."
Experts claim that this is a major problem with The Information Superhighway, perhaps even worse than animal pornography. "The Internet is a great cooperative work, built by millions of people. It is so unfortunate that it can be ruined by just one person. Thank God we were able to save it," commented Packuko's neighbor.
The IETF was able to recover most of The Internet by opening up Packuko's Recycle Bin and dragging The Internet back onto the desktop. The rest was restored from the master backup copy kept on Zip Disk in the pentagon. Puckuko claims ignorance was the cause of her act. "I just didn't know. I was trying to clean up my desktop and I deleted it. I ... I just didn't realize."
Microsoft Corporation reports that they are currently working on a bug fix.
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GROUNDHOG DAY
Q: What do you get when you crossbreed U. football and a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of bad football!
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UTAH BY 5 . . . TIMES - A fellow walks into a restaurant, orders a drink and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good BYU joke. "Listen, buddy," the waiter growled. "See those two big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the BYU football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at the Y. That guy in the corner was the Y.'s all-time champion weightlifter. And I lettered in three sports at the Y. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"
"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times.'
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DON'T FORGET THE TIP - Q: How do you get a U. of U. grad off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
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HALF-WIT - Q: What do you call a Cougar with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
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THAT SMARTS - Q: What do you call an intelligent person in Cougar Stadium?
A: A visitor.
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DEGREE TO GO - The engineer who graduated from Utah State asks, "How does that work?''
The engineer who graduated from BYU asks, "How can I make that work better?''
The engineer who graduated from the U. of U. asks, "Would you like fries with that?''
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TEST CASE - Q: What does the Ute student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
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OH-OH ORSON - It's a good thing that Orson Pratt was not made president of the LDS Church. Otherwise BYU would have been named OPU.
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LIGHT U. UP - Q. How many U. of U. graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Answer unknown. Still searching for a U. of U. graduate with the qualifications to do such a task.
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LIGHTEN UP II - Q: How many Utes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. . ..but he gets three credit hours for it.
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LEARNING CURVE - Q: How many BYU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
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SWIMMING WITH COEDS - Q: How did the first BYU coed get to America from Europe?
A: She swam.
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Q: How did the second BYU coed get to America?
A: She walked across on all the dead fish.
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TUSK, TUSK, TUSK - Q: What's the difference between a BYU coed and an elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.
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Q2: How do you make it even?
A2: Force-feed the elephant.
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ON THE LOOKOUT - Q. How do you tell the difference between a BYU coed and a U. of U. coed?
A. The BYU coed is looking for a husband. The U. coed is looking for the father.
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M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-``U''-S-E - The son of a very rich Arab sheik was graduating from college. The sheik went to his son's roommate and told him, ``I really appreciate all the help you have given my son while you two were in school. Just name a gift, and I will buy it for you.''
The roommate thinks about it and tells the sheik, ``Ever since I was a little kid, I've always wanted a real Mickey Mouse outfit.''
So the sheik bought him the University of Utah.
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NO ONE IN HIS RIGHT MIND - Q: How do Cougar brain cells die?
A: Alone.
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RINKY-DINK AFFAIR - Two BYU students decide they want to try ice fishing.
They go and buy all the necessary equipment and load up their pickup.
In the process, the students realize they don't know where to go to try out this new sport.
Finally, after about three hours of intense brainstorming, one student thinks of the perfect spot.
They drive to the spot, unload their equipment and make their way onto the ice in search for the perfect location. They cut a hole in the ice and begin to fish.
About three minutes pass when out of nowhere a booming voice is heard: ``THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE!''
Completely confused and scared, the two students stop and look around but see no one.
"Did you hear that?'' ask one student. "Yea. Who was it?'' responded the second student.
Confused but determined, both students continue to fish.
A minute passes, and they hear again: ``THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE!''
Dazed and frightened, one BYU student stands up, looks to the heavens and asks ``Is that you, God? Are you trying to help us?''
The voice responds ``No, you idiot, it's the ice rink manager. Now get off our ice!''
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CURSES! SOILED AGAIN - Q: Why did the BYU grad only change her baby's diaper once a week?
A: The box said 9 to 11 lbs.
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FORE U. - Q: What do you call someone from BYU golfing with an IQ of 120?
A: A foursome!
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DOUBLE-WIDE LOSS - Q: Why are a tornado and a Ute divorce similar?
A: You know someone is going to lose a house trailer!
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BOOK 'EM - A fire gutted the U. library the other day causing $6.95 worth of damage . . . It could have been worse but someone had the coloring book checked out.
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GOING DOWN WITH THE PICKUP - Three BYU graduates were riding in the cab of a pickup across a bridge. Three U. grads were riding in the back of the pickup. The pickup went off the road into the water and sank. The BYU grads rolled down the windows, got out, and were able to swim safely to shore. The U. grads drowned because they could not get the tailgate down.
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ON TRACK - As two BYU grads walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks. The first asked, ``Deer tracks?'' The second replied, ``No, bear tracks.'' However, the conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.
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SECOND-GUESSING - LaHurl had been attending BYU for 6 years without going on a mission and still did not have enough credits to graduate.
At the commencement ceremony with almost the entire student body assembled a chant broke out: ``Let LaHurl graduate, Let LaHurl graduate!''
The university president, realizing he had a potential riot on his hands and being depressed at the thought of having LaHurl return for another year, calmed the crowd by announcing that if LaHurl would come up and answer a one-question exam, he would give LaHurl a diploma.
LaHurl jumped up on the stage and the president said, ``You have one chance, LaHurl, What is 9 times 9''? LaHurl beamed and blurted out 81.
A stunned silence followed. Then a murmur. Then one cry, then another, soon the whole throng was chanting, ``Give him another chance! Give him another chance!''
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CHICKEN FEED - A U. of U. grad decides he wants to raise chickens. So he goes to the feed store, buys a bunch of baby chicks, plants 'em feet-first in the ground, and sadly after a couple days they die.
He figures he's doing something wrong, so he goes back to the feed store and buys more chicks. This time he plants 'em headfirst, and they die even faster.
Now this U. of U. grad is at his wit's end, so he decides to write to his alma mater, tell them what he's doing, and see if maybe they have any suggestions.
Two weeks later he gets a note back from the university asking for a soil sample.
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SHOUT IT OUT! - Two BYU Cougars and one Utah Ute were all in prison awaiting execution by firing squad.
One Cougar said, ``When we each go to be executed, just shout a warning like a disaster is about to happen. When it catches them off guard, we can escape.''
The first Cougar went to be executed. The guard said, ``Ready. Aim..'' The Cougar yelled out ``Hurricane!!'' When the firing squad hid, he climbed the wall and escaped.
The second Cougar stood before the squad and when the time came, he yelled ``Earthquake!!'' He likewise escaped.
The Ute stood before the firing squad. The guard said, ``Ready, Aim..'' Just then the Ute yelled, ``FIRE!!''
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PUPPY LOVE - Q: What's the difference between BYU fans and a litter of puppies?
A: Eventually, the litter of puppies grows up and stops whining.
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DEM BONES - Q: Did you hear about the skeleton they found in a closet in one of the dorms at BYU?
A: It was the 1963 hide-and-go-seek champion!
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ON MY HONOR - Q: Did you hear about the BYU Honor System?
A: Yes, Your Honor; No, Your Honor.
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NO WHINE BEFORE IT'S TIME - Q: What is a BYU coed's favorite after-game wine?
A: ``When we gonna get married?''
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DRESS FOR SUCCESS - Q: What do you call a Ute in a three-piece suit?
A: The defendant.
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BIG G, LITTLE O - Q: What is the difference between the U. of U. football team and a bowl of Cheerios?
A: The Cheerios belong in a bowl!
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9-1-1 OF A KIND - A Cougar football player smelled smoke in the gym and rushed to the phone to report a fire. "How do we get there?'' the dispatcher asked. The Cougar hesitated a moment. ``Don't you have red fire trucks anymore?''
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LOOSE CHANGE - Q: What's the difference between the Utes and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
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GROUNDHOG DAY - Q: What do you get when you cross-breed U. of U. football and a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of bad football!
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U. OF MOO - Q: Why did the U. decide to put artificial turf in the stadium?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing
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AN UPRIGHT NEIGHBORHOOD - Q: How do you keep a Ute out of your front yard?
A: Put up some goalposts.
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PLAYIN' POSSUM - Q: How is a Ute like a possum?
A: Both play dead at home and usually die on the road.
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I'LL TRANSFER U. - Q; Did you hear about the football player who transferred from the U. to BYU?
A: It greatly raised the academic standing of both institutions.
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FAMILY TIES - Ron McBride, clearly upset about the blue dynasty to the south getting all the national acclaim, goes to a BYU practice and asks LaVell Edwards, ``Coach, how is it that year after year after year you manage to have such great football teams? What's your secret?''
LaVell responds by calling Kevin Feterik over. ``Kevin,'' LaVell asks, ``who's your father's brother's nephew?'' Feterik answers, ``Why, coach, that's easy. It's me.''
LaVell turns to McBride and says, ``That's the secret, Ron. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback.'' Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, McBride returns to the Ute work-out. He promptly calls over Jonathan Crosswhite.
"Crosswhite! Who's your father's brother's nephew?''
Crosswhite looks perplexed, thinks a minute and says, ``Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?'' McBride (disgusted) says, ``OK.''
During practice, Crosswhite calls over Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala.
"Chris, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?'' Says Fuamatu-Ma'afala: ``Duh! That's easy. It's me!''
After practice, Crosswhite catches up with McBride: ``Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala.''
McBride (angry): ``No, No, NO! You idiot!! It's Kevin Feterik!!!''
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TRUE-BLUE COLORS - Entering a store, a man said, ``I would like a white hat, blue pants, a white shirt and blue shoes.''
The clerk asked ``Are you a BYU fan?''
``I sure am,'' the man said, sticking his chest out. ``How did you know? The color combination?''
"No,'' replied the employee. ``This is a hardware store.''
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NOSE JOB - Q: What do you have to do to break a BYU football player's nose during the BYU-U. of U. game?
A: Simple, just hit his elbow.
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Dumb Utah Laws
It is against the law to fish from horseback.
When a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin.
It is illegal not to drink milk.
It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.
Birds have the right of way on all highways.
A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol.
It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.
It is considered an offense to hunt whales.
Kaysville
You must have identification to enter a convienence store after dark.
Logan
Women may not swear.
Monroe
Daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.
Provo
Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.
Salt Lake City
No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin.
Trout Creek
Pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches. |
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Vancouver Jokes
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Report from the picket line at Depot 74, Vancouver; Day One
12:00 High noon, and tensions are high as well. Management is hiding inside the depot, so to set an example for the world and save face we will have to beat one of our own union members into a bloody pulp with a baseball bat. Volunteers are requested.
12:01 No one volunteers. Morale seems low. This could be a long strike.
12:02 We randomly select one union member to "volunteer." In what is surely a meaningless coincidence, this turns out to be the smallest, stupidest and most fragile worker there.
12:03 The plan is stymied when our "volunteer" runs away with our only baseball bat. Recreational events for the weekend will have to be cancelled....
13:00 After only one hour, I am already bored and frozen, stiff being the appropriate adjective in each case.
14:12 Newspapers (the Province), books (Plato's Republic) and radios (CKNW talkshows) are abandoned when one of our union brothers reveals his former identity as a Special Forces Vietnam Vet. His anecdotes about home-made explosives are especially informative.
14:36 Several of the union brothers and sisters pay a quick visit to a nearby paint store.
15:27 Morale leaps up suddenly when a Federal Express truck overturns and explodes in front of the depot. Despite our best efforts, the driver manages to escape from the flames.
16:30 I go for a lunch break of chicken souvlaki at the trendy coffeeshop next door, Automotive.
17:00 We are forced to abandon our defensive positions in the back alley due to the encroaching darkness and the proximity of the fast-moving cars there. Somewhat daunted by losing the best place to drink unobserved, we retreat to the depot's frontage on Homer Street.
18:00 My first tour on picket duty is over, and I have survived to whine about it for another day....
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You know you are in Vancouver when...
Your co-worker tells you he has eight body piercings - none are visible.
You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place to live.
You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
You would never dream of crossing a picket line.
You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than Canadian flags.
The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay.
Old friends you haven't talked to in years suddenly call. "Do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?"
You think anyone wearing a Preston Manning haircut is Preston Manning.
You can't remember...is pot still illegal?
You go to your office manager's baby shower. The parents are named Judy and Amber.
You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a "FREE TIBET" bumper sticker and you mean it.
You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown, and are willing to fight about it.
A really great parking spot can move you to tears.
A man walks on Robson in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.
You don't notice.
You curse those damn tourists - but always stop to help a cute person who is looking puzzled at a city map.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named "Breeze".
You are thinking of taking an adult education class, but you can't decide between a Yoga, Channeling, or Building Your Web Site class.
Your new neighbours go to temple, but you are still not sure if they're Jewish or Buddhist.
You own an expensive Gore-Tex mountaineering jacket and wear it 90% of the time.
You run the risk of being trampled by all the running clubs out at 8am on Sunday morning.
Your choices for vegetarian food aren't limited to the salad bar at Bonanza. |
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Vermont Jokes
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Vermont Jokes
Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
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You know you're from northern Vermont when:
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating during a blizzard.
You only own three spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
The local Hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
Making it home during Mud Season is a competitive sport.
You think everyone from the city has an accent.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snow-blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The town officials greet you on the street by your first name.
There is only one shopping plaza in town.
The major parish fundraiser isn't bingo- its sausage making.
You find -20F a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots.
You can play road hockey on skates.
Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
You actually 'relate' to these jokes, and forward them to all your Northern friends.
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Vermont: Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns
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Party In Vermont
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far away from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin!"
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too."
Darn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some kissin' at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says: "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us!"
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Dumb Vermont Laws
Whistling underwater is illegal
At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.
Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
Barre
All residents shall bathe every Saturday night. |
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Virginia Jokes
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Virginia Jokes
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
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Virginia: Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!
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Dumb Virginia Laws
It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays. (Repealed)
You cannot sell lettuce on Sunday, but you can sell beer, wine etc. (Repealed)
There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates."
You may not work on Sunday. (Repealed)
It is illegal to spit on sidewalk.
Driving while not wearing shoes is prohibited. (Repealed)
Police radar detectors are illegal.
Citizens must honk their horn while passing other cars.
Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.
It is illegal to tickle women.
You cannot buy hardware of any kind on Sunday. (Passed in 1975, repealed in 1977)
Culpeper
No one may wash a mule on the sidewalk.
Dayton
A person of color may not be oustide or within the city limits after 7 pm.
Lebanon
It is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.
Norfolk
Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated.
A man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere.
Women must wear a corsette after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone.
Richmond
It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for a coffee.
Stafford County
It is legal for a man to beat his wife on the courthouse steps so long as it is before 8:00 pm.
Victoria
It is illegal to skate down the sidewalk of Main Street.
Virginia Beach
If you are drunk and not driving your car, and the person who is driving the car is drunk as well, you may both receive DUI's.
It is illegal for a person to ride on the handlebars of a bike.
It is illegal to use profanity on Atlantic Avenue or the boardwalk.
It is also unlawful to drive by the same place within 30 minutes on Atlantic Avenue.
Waynesboro
It is illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag. |
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Warning: Don't Step On The Ducks!
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" |
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Washington D.C. Jokes
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Washington D.C. Jokes
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
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George Washington's Story
(if after the Clinton years)
Released this morning for the first time is the complete transcript of the Cherry Tree Hearings.
"George?"
"Yes, father."
"George, I have a very serious question to ask you and I want you to promise you'll answer truthfully. Will you?"
"Yes, father."
"Good. now here is the question. Did you cut down my cherry tree?"
"No, father."
"You're quite sure?"
"Yes, father."
"Well, I'm afraid I'm very disappointed in you, George."
"Why, father?"
"Because 12 people saw you cut down the cherry tree with your little hatchet."
"Oh."
"In view of that, would you like to change your previous answer, George?"
"No, father. I believe the answer I gave you was legally accurate."
"You still insist you were telling me the truth?"
"In my own mind I was telling you the truth, yes father."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, you asked me if I had 'cut' down the tree. In my own mind, it seemed to me that 'cutting' is something one does with a knife or a sickle. In my own mind it seemed that , since I used my little hatchet, the relationship I had with the tree, while perhaps inappropriate, was not a 'cutting' relationship. I would call it a 'chopping' relationship."
"Very well. I'll give you another chance, George. Listen very carefully. Did you chop down my cherry tree?"
"No, father."
"No? No? Why do you still say no?"
"Because, father, I cannot tell a lie. And in my own mind I did not 'chop down' your cherry tree."
"Well, what did you do, then?"
"I chopped it into two pieces and one piece fell to the ground."
"So you chopped it down."
"No, father, I merely chopped it. I did not cause that piece to fall down. The force of gravity caused it to fall down. Were it not for the force of gravity, over which I have absolutely no control, the tree, though segmented, would presumably still be up, not down."
"George, I'm losing patience with you. But I'm going to give you one last chance to tell the truth. Did you take your little hatchet and chop my cherry tree, which action on your part, combined with the force of gravity, caused the tree to fall down?"
"No, father."
"NO? NO? IT'S STILL NO? HOW CAN YOU STILL SAY NO?"
"I still say no because of my legendary regard for the truth, father. What is that object at which I am pointing with my finger?"
"It's the stump of the cherry tree you cut down."
"And isn't the stump part of the tree, father?"
"It sure is."
"In fact, isn't the stump the most important part of the tree, father, since, without a stump there would be no tree?"
"I guess so."
"Yet the stump is still standing. So when you asked me if I had chopped down the tree, my own mind said to me, 'George, you must tell the truth. And the truthful answer is no. You chopped, gravity caused part of the tree to fall down yet the most important part of the tree is still standing.'"
"I see."
"All I can suppose, father, is that those 12 people whose exaggerated claims allege they saw me 'cut down' the entire 'tree' were motivated not by a search for truth, but by some personal vendetta against me, perhaps because I am from Virginia."
"George, you're a real crafty little guy."
"Thank you father."
"Have you thought about what you want to be when you grow up?"
"Yes, father. If they ever build a White House I would like to occupy it as the first White House lawyer." |
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Washington Jokes
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Washington Jokes
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
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Washington: We like our state, so stay out!
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Dumb Washington Laws
All lollipops are banned.
A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town."
It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.
All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle.
It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.
You are not allowed to breast feed in public.
When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed.
You are breaking the law if you sell or place in the stream of commerce a crib that has: corner posts that extend more than 1/16-inch above end panels; slats more than 2 3/8 inches apart; a mattress support that releases easily from corner posts; cutout designs on the end panels; tears in mesh or fabric; missing or loose screws, bolts, or hardware; sharp edges, points, or rough surfaces on wood surfaces that are not smooth and free from splinters, splits or cracks. The new Infant Crib Safety Act in California (AB 3760, Speier), Colorado (SB 98-023,Pascoe and Morrison) and Washington State (SSB 6229, Kohl and Pennington) states that "no commercial user shall manufacture, retrofit, sell, contract to sell or resell, lease, sublet or otherwise place in the stream of commerce, a full-size or non-full-size crib that is unsafe for any infant using the crib.
You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.
Auburn
Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.
Bremerton
You may not shuck peanuts on the street.
Everett
It is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window.
Lynden
Dancing and drinking may not occur at the same establishment.
Seattle
You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.
Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.
No one may set fire to another person's property without prior permission.
It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.
Spokane
TV's may not be bought on Sundays.
Waldron Island
No structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing. -San Juan County Ordinance NO. 7 -1995 (Passed June 7,1995)
Wilbur
You may not ride an ugly horse. |
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West Virginia Jokes
Ratings: 5.00 |
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West Virginia Jokes
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!
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Q. What do West Virginians do on Halloween?
A. Pumpkin!
Q. Why do ducks fly over West Virginia upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!
Q. What do a tornado and a West Virginia divorce have in common?
A. Someone always loses a trailer.
Q. How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
A. If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
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West Virginia's Statehood
A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's license.
She presented her West Virginia driver's license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!" A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.
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Exerpts from the West Virginia Vocabulary Book
Foreclose
If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose.
Rectum
I had two Lexus coups, but my old lady rectum.
Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.
Disappointment
My parole officer told me that if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house.
Israel
Alozono tried to sell me a rolex watch. I said man this looks fake. He said what a joke that watch israel.
Catacomb
Don King was at the fight the other night, somebody should get that catacomb.
Undermine
There is a fine looking chick living in the apartment undermine.
Acoustic
When I was 11 my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.
Iraq
When we got to the pool hall I told my uncle you break Iraq.
Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her do you plan on stain for dinner?
Seldom
Darnell gave me two tickets to the game, and I want to seldom.
Odyssey
I told my brother you odyssey the tits on that hoe.
Horde
My sister got in trouble because she horde around.
Tripoli
My ol lady wanted a bra for her birthday but I couldn't find a tripoli.
Fortify
I axed the ho how much and she said fortify. is the price honey
Income
I just got in bed with lois and income my wife.
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A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says, "What's that noise?"
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West Virginia State Residency Application
Name: ________________
(last)
(first) (_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
CB Handle: _____________________
Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Un-employed
(_)Coal Miner
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
___ Number of refrigerators on front porch
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194__
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of
pickup: _________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Gun World
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Holidays
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)No teeth
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
(_)can't get there from here
BUMPER STICKERS:
___ Eat more Possum
___ My other car is a piece of junk too
___ Honk if you love Jesus
___ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't nothin'
___ Red-man Chewing Tobacco
Favorite Recreation: Check all that apply:
___ Square Dancin'
___ Possum Huntin'
___ Skinny Dippin'
___ Craw Daddin'
___ Gospel Singin'
___ 4-Wheelin'
___ Drankin'
___ Spittin' Backy ___ Bill Chip Trowin'
___ Honky Tonkin'
___ Noodlin'
# of Dogs: ___ Type: ___ Blue Tick ___ Beagle
___ Black & Tan ___ Bird Dawg
Cap Emblem: ___ John Deere ___ McCulloch Chain Saws
___ Budweiser ___ Vo-Tech
___ Skoal ___ Coors
___ NAPA ___ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear
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One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
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Q. What is the West Virginia state flower?
A. The satallite dish!
Q. Why do birds fly upside down through West Virginia?
A. There's nothing worth pooping on!
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You know a computer is owned by a West Virginian if...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
The keyboard is camouflaged.
There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
The password is, "bubba."
The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
The monitor is up on blocks.
Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
Deer jerky is in the desk drawer.
The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with dueling banjos playing in the background.
The six front keys have rotted out.
John Deer Pocket Protectors.
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Dumb West Virginia Laws
No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."
When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers.
It is illegal to snooze on a train.
Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.
According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag.
If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.
Roadkill may be taken home for supper.
Whistling underwater is prohibited.
Alderson
One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.
Nicholas County
No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.
Huntington
Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse.
It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps.
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West Virginia Computer Terms
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
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West Virginia Jokes
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar West Virginia State Lottery?
You gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
Why do folks from West Virginia go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under not admitted.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the
Same DNA.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
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Two West Virginians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
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A West Virginian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here.
My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
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The West Virginian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.
"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
"No," he replied.
A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
"No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
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A West Virginian hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln Continental. The West Virginian noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked, "What are those things for?" The driver said, "They're to hold my balls while I drive." "Boy," exclaimed the West Virginian, "these Lincoln Continentals have everything, don't they?" |
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What the Church Lady Wrote
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Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
9. Don't let worry kill you off let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Wisconsin Jokes
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Wisconsin Jokes
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
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Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die or Come Cut Our Cheese
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Wisconsin: Land of funny accents.
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Dumb Wisconsin Laws
You must manually flush all urinals in a building.
Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.
Citizens may not murder their enemies.
Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has.
As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.
At one time, margarine was illegal.
State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.
While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license.
It is illegal to kiss on a train.
It is illegal to cut a woman's hair.
Car dealerships cannot sell cars on Sunday.
Kenosha
No male is allowed to be in a state of arousal in public.
La Crosse
It is illegal to tie up your horse along Third Street (Now a major bar strip).
It is illegal to display an unclothed mannequin in a store window.
It is illegal to play checkers in public.
You cannot "worry a squirrel."
Milwaukee
An old ordinance forbids parking for over two hours unless a horse is tied to the car.
It is against the law to play a flute and drums on the streets to attract attention.
If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day.
It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns.
Racine
It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
Women may not walk down a public street at night without being accompanied by a man.
St. Croix
Women are not allowed to wear anything red in public. |
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Wyoming Jokes
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Wyoming Jokes
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!!
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Dumb Wyoming Laws
It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theater or place of amusement.
It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.
You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.
Cheyenne
Citizens may not take showers on Wednesdays. |
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